Simpsons Episode Guide
Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, if he didn't
have any guns I'd show him a thing or two...
[at home, pacing the hallway in front of Lisa's bedroom]
Homer: ...let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods...
Lisa: Dad, it's 3:00 AM. Cant you mutter in your room?
Homer: Marge kicked me out.
Lisa: All right, go ahead.
Homer: Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house, Why, I tell you these parents these days they don't know how to rear children...
Homer: Well crying
isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you
can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food
until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You're right!
[Gets up and leaves]
Homer: Rats! I almost had him eating dog food.
gather round, I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable!
Bart, Lisa: Cable?!
Bart: All right!
Homer: That's right, sixty-eight channels, MTV for the kids, VH1 for us, sixteen hours of quality programming a day!
Marge: I don't know, Homer, we've discussed cable before. Do you really think we can afford this?
Homer: Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can afford it.
Marge: Mmmm, are you sure this is legal?
Homer: Relax, Marge. Read this.
[Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So You've Decided To Steal Cable".]
Marge: "Myth: it's wrong to view quality motion pictures for free. Fact: most movies that air on cable rate two stars or lower and are repeated ad nauseam." I don't know...
Lisa] You stupid know-nothing know-it-all!
[Homer just watched a Mr. Sparkle commercial to find out why
the logo looks exactly like him.]
Homer: That didn't explain anything! All I know is they stole my face and used it for their stupid logo! There's no other explanation!
Lisa: [indicating the TV] Wait, look!
Japanese commercial pitchman: [on TV] This has been brought to you by Matsamura Fishworks and Tamarabuchi Energy Concern.
[The fish logo and the light bulb logo merge to form the Mr. Sparkle logo.]
Lisa Simpson: It was all just a coincidence.
Bart: [to Homer] Yep. There's your answer, Fishbulb.
There, there. Shut up boy.
Moe: Sounds like
you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of?
Homer: [drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe. You're always Moe.
Lisa: Where's that
music coming from?
Marge: And all the liquor!?
Homer: It's a party, Marge. It doesn't have to make sense.
Redneck: Let's fight!
Other Redneck: Them's fightin' words!
Lurleen Lumpkin: Yeah?
Homer: I just wanted to say your song touched me deeply in a way I've never felt before... and which way to the can?
Lurleen Lumpkin: You
know, no man's ever been nice to me without wanting something in return.
Homer: Well, I *was* going to ask you for a glass of water, but now I feel guilty about it.
Homer: Marge, it
takes two to lie - one to lie, and one to listen.
Marge: What does *that* mean?
[Fanzo threw a Barbie in the fire and strangled a Krusty toy.]
Bart: Why is it destroying other toys?
Lisa: It must be programmed to do so to eliminate competition!
Bart: You mean like Microsoft?
[While trying to get a convict's parole granted]
Convict: I shot a guy named Apu.
Marge: Hmmm...Well ALOT of people shoot Apu.
Ralph Wiggum: Your
toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.
Ralph Wiggum: I
found a moonrock in my nose!
Smithers: Mr. Burns
can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair
with President Taft.
I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes... I believe I'll start, as
you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts.
Parole Board Officer: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked
hellhole", when you could have said "pee-pee soaked heckhole".
Parole Board Officer: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
Krustyburger manager: We need more secret sauce! Put this mayonnaise
in the sun!
Chief Wiggum: This
is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort,
heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect
is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
Hospital Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a
few complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are
performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant.
Dr. Nick: But I cleaned them with my napkin!
[Homer sits down in the middle of the night to eat cheese]
Homer: Mmmm. Sixty-four slices of American Cheese...
[morning comes, Homer is still eating]
[Marge walks in]
Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind.
Lionel Hutz: Mr.
Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit
against the film "The Never-Ending Story".
Chief Wiggum: Oh,
sure. We'd all love some *real* friends, Marge. But what are the odds of that
Moe: Say, Barn. Uh,
remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe.
Moe: The results came back today.
Ned Flanders: Oh,
the network slogan is true! Watch FOX and be damned for all eternity!
Ralph Wiggum: That's
where I saw the leprechaun! He told me to burn things.
Bart: Take him away,
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the Police Chief here! Bake him away, toys.
Smithers: Look at
all the wonderful things you have, sir; King Arthur's Excalibur, the only
existing nude photo of Mark Twain, and that rare first draft of the constitution
with the word "suckers" in it...
Miss Springfield: Gentlemen, start your whacking!
Marge: Can't you do
something for him?
Dr. Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
Homer: What an age we live in.
Mr. Burns: This
house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian
burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five
John Denver Christmas specials.
Crosby? You're my hero!
David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?
Plastic Surgeon: Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I
remove the bandages, don't be alarmed by the total stranger staring back at you.
[hands him a mirror]
Krusty The Clown: Aah! I look exactly the same, you moron!
Plastic Surgeon: Oh, nonsense! You look at least ten years younger! Plus, I did your breasts.
Krusty The Clown: Does anyone hear me complaining about the breasts?
[playing a religious board game]
Lisa: Where are the dice?
Todd Flanders: Daddy says dice are wicked.
Rod Flanders: We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way.
hospital? This is Lisa Simpson --
Hospital Secretary: Simpson? Look, we've already been down there tonight for a sisterectomy, a case of severe butt rot, and a Leprechaun fight. How dumb do you think we are?
Homer: There's your
giraffe, little girl!
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit! Never give up.
Chief Wiggum: She
didn't reckon with the awesome power of the Chief of Police! Now where did I put
my badge?...Hey, that duck's got it!
State Comptroller Atkins: This grant ensures a light bulb in every
classroom, and a high-definition TV for the teachers lounge.
Bill Clinton: I know you don't think you're good enough for me, but
believe me, you are. Hell, I done it with pigs. Real, no-foolin' pigs!
Janey: Well, that
was a waste of time.
Lisa: Janey, school is never a waste of time!
Ms. Hoover: Class, since we have fifteen minutes until recess, please put your pencils down and stare at the front of the room.
Judge Snyder: The clown is down!
[The Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing on Krusty's show]
Krusty The Clown: Now boys, the network has a problem with some of your lyrics. Do you mind changing them for the show?
Anthony Kiedis: Forget you, clown.
Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment
office. Joblessness is no longer just for Philosophy majors - useful people are
starting to feel the pinch!
Psychiatrist: Is there a lot of screaming at your house?
Bart: Well, my dad's always yelling about the white man keeping him down.
[Homer is watching a television ad for the Naval Reserve]
TV Announcer: Daybreak, Jakarta. The proud men and women of the Navy are protecting America's interests overseas, but your in Lubbuth, Texas hosing down a statue, because your in the Naval Reserve. Once you complete basic training, you only work one weekend a month, and most of that time your drunk of your ass! The Naval Reserve: America's 17th line of defense, between the Mississippi National Guard, and the American League of Women Voters.
Homer: Gee, Mr.
Burns, you're the richest guy I know; way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.
Smithers: Sir, this
can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, frankly you've been a bit of a pill lately.
Smithers: Why do we always fight on vacation?
Bart: Wow Dad, you
took the baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: Oh Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned Flanders: Wait! Homer! What did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!
Blind Man Willie Witherspoon: I've been playing the saxophone for 30
years. I want you to have it.
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: This isn't a saxophone. It's an umbrella.
Blind Man Willie Witherspoon: So I've been playing the umbrella for 30 years? Why didn't anyone ever tell me?
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Cause we all though it was funny.
Blind Man Willie Witherspoon: That's not funny.
Homer: What are you
Bart & Lisa: Practicing tennis
Homer: That's tennis? Then what's that sport where the chicks whale on each other?
Bart: Foxy Boxing?
Homer: [disappointedly] Yes! That's what I wanted! Oh!
Lisa: Dad, don't you
think you're overreacting?
Homer: Don't you think you're *under*reacting?
Lisa: This conversation is over.
Homer: This conversation is *under*!
Kent Brockman: We
win again! But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.
Homer: How do you come up with such witty remarks?
[focuses in on ear plug/mic]
Guy in the van: I guess you could say its my racket.
Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer: Get off my property!
[Homer is camping out to buy football tickets.]
Homer: Heh-heh-heh, I did it! Second in line, and all I had to do was miss eight days of work.
Man: With the money you would have made working, you could have bought tickets from a scalper.
Homer: In theory, yes.
Man On Street: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler.
Rabbi Krustofski: Could you re-phrase that as a philosophical question?
Man On Street: Uh, Is it right to buy a Chrysler?
Rabbi Krustofski: Oh yes. Great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.
Homer: Hello, my
name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Post Office Worker: Okay. What's your first name?
Homer: ...I don't know.
[About the hurricane]
Homer: Alright everyone, it's the standard Grampa drill... everyone into the cellar.
Ned Flanders: You
ugly hate-filled man!
Moe: Hey! I may be ugly and I may be hate-filled but... uh.. what was that last thing you said?
Dr. Foster: You are free to roam around the grounds but do be warned
one of our patients *is* a cannibal. Try to guess which one... I think you'll be
Homer: Lisa, I want
you to remember me just as I am right now, filled with murderous rage
Homer: Never fear!
The cosmic fool is here!
Lisa: Miss Tan, I
loved The Joy Luck Club. You really showed me how the mother-daughter bond could
Amy Tan: No, no, that's not what I meant at all! I can't believe how wrong you got it. Just sit down, I'm embarrassed for both of us.
Mr. Burns: Mr.
Simpson, you're smarter than you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.
Seymour, why are there children walking on my head?
Dr. Hibbert: We've
given the word "mob" a bad name.
Marge: Church should help you with your everyday life!
Homer: It should, but it doesn't. Now who wants to go down to the dump with me?
Clerk: Celebrate the
independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it!
Doug: In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a
xylophone, he strikes the same rib in succession, yet he produces two clearly
different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is a magic xylophone,
or something? Ha ha, boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
Homer: I'll field that one. Let me ask *you* a question. Why would a grown man who's shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
Doug: I withdraw my question.
[starts eating a candy bar]
[Lisa flips through the card catalog]
Lisa: Let's see... Football... Football... "Homoeroticism in"... "Oddball Canadian rules"... "Phyllis George and"...
Sideshow Bob: Rakes,
my arch enemy.
Bart: I thought I was your arch enemy.
Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside you, Bart.
Comic Book Guy: Ack!
There is no "emoticon" to express what I am feeling right now!
Comic Book Guy: Oh,
loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix!
Chief Wiggum: Can't
you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the
Marge: You can't ask
God to kill someone!
Homer: Yeah! Do your own dirty work!
[Bart has just described the island paradise he envisages]
Nelson Muntz: How many monkey butlers will there be?
Bart: One at first. But he'll train others.
Troy McClure: Hi,
I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such other nature films as "Earwigs,
Ew!" and "Man Vs Nature . . . The Road To Victory".
Troy McClure: Hi,
I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such other medical films as "Mommy,
What's On That Man's Face?" and "Alice Doesn't Live Anymore".
Ralph Wiggum: I bent
Ralph Wiggum: My
cat's breath smells like cat food
Marge: Homer, why
aren't you at work? You're late.
Homer: They said if I came in late again that I would get fired, and I can't risk that, so I'm not going!
Homer: Biatch? Me?
[After Poochie the dog debuts on the Itchy and Scratchy show
to a lukewarm response.]
Homer: I liked it... right?
Homer's Brain: You don't wanna know what I think... Now look sad and say "d'oh..."
Marge: Homer, I
don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself.
Homer: You can sit there complaining, or you can knit me some seat belts.
afraid of something.
Homer: [smugly] Not everybody!
Marge: Sock puppets!
Homer: [shrieks in terror] Where? Where?
Marge: Homer, a man
who called himself "you-know-who" just invited you to a secret "wink-wink" at
the "you-know-what". You are certainly are popular now that you've become a
Homer: Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings, beer night. It's wonderful, Marge. I've never felt so accepted in all my life. These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined.
Homer: Well, these
bills will have to be paid out of your allowance.
Bart: You'll have to raise my allowance to about a thousand dollars a week.
Homer: Then that's what I'll do, smart guy!
Smithers: I love
Mr. Burns: Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last moments on earth socially awkward.
Lisa: Oh, it's
hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless.
Sideshow Bob: Oh, I see. When it's one of *my* schemes you can't foil it fast enough, but when *Cecil* tries to kill you, "it's hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless."
Sideshow Bob: No
children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
Col. Leslie "Hap" Hapablap:
We've searched this airbase from top to bottom, and all we've found is porno,
Bart: Oh, this is
the worst Fourth of July ever, I hate America!
Homer: Kiss my hairy
African tour guide: Night, night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs
Mayor Quimby: Are
these morons getting dumber or just louder?
Mayor's Assistant: Dumber, sir.
[Bart and Lisa are watching Krusty's Prison Special]
Bart: Hey, those guys *love* Krusty! Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
Lisa: And vice-versa.
Homer: In America,
first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.
Grampa Simpson: My
Homer is not a Communist... he may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist...
but he is *not* a porn star!
Marge: Homer, what is it? Slow down.
Homer: [Calmly and slowly] Yurgiddafurdarataara.
Marge: Think before you say each word.
Moe: Man, you go
through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to
punch 'em in the face, and for what?
Lisa: Do we have any
food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.
Homer: No beer and
no TV make Homer something something.....
Marge: Go Crazy
Homer: Don't mind if I do.
Bart: Eat my shorts!
Bart: Don't have a
Bart: Hey wait a
minute, man! You don't have to leave just because Superintendent Chalmers tells
you to! You've spent your whole life following orders! From your mother, the
army, Superintendent Chalmers. For once in your life, stand up for yourself,
Principal Skinner: Okay, Bart.
Mrs. Krabappel: Let's go, Seymour.
Principal Skinner: Okay, Edna.
Homer: When was the
last time Barbara Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do
your laundry, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is looking out for
Homer: How could
you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy that gives those sermons in
church? Captain What's-his-name. We live in a society of laws, why do you think
I took you to see all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear
anybody laughing! Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Vroom!
Beep! Honk! Honk! Ha-ha. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze!
Cop: Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: All right, I did. But I didn't shoot him.
Cop: Checks out. All right, sir. You're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight.
Moe: A date.
Moe: Dinner with friends.
Moe: Dinner alone.
Moe: Watching TV alone.
Moe: All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.
Moe: Sears catalog.
Moe: Now will you unhook me already? I don't deserve this shabby treatment!
Mr. Burns: OK, Mr.
Spielbergo, I want you to do for me want Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
Sr. Spielbergo: Schindler es muy bueno, Seńor Burns es el diablo.
Mr. Burns: Pish posh! Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We both made shells for the Germans, it's just that mine worked!
Leonard Nimoy: The
story you are about to see is completely true. And by true, I mean false. But
isn't that really the greater truth? The answer is no.
Homer: So I said,
"Look buddy, your car was upside-down when I got here. And as for your
grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that!"
Homer: ...And the
whole steel mill was gay.
Moe: Jeez, where ya been, Homer? The whole steel *industry's* gay.
Marge: And our kids
are getting lazy.
Bart: I'm not lazy, I'm... hey, Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
Lisa: Why don't you finish your own darn....
[falls asleep, falls off couch]
Bart: Guess who?
Cecil Terwilliger: Maris? [Cecil is voiced by David Hyde Pierce]
[Cecil is about to blow up Sideshow Bob and Bart.]
Cecil Terwilliger: You may feel a slight ringing in your ears. Unfortunately, you will be nowhere near them.
Rev. Lovejoy: Thanks
a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house.
Homer: I was in a
record store, and they were playing all these bands I'd never heard of. It was
like the store had gone crazy!
Marge Simpson: Record stores have always seemed crazy to me. Music is none of my business.
Homer: That's all well and good for you, but I used to rock and roll all night and party every day! Then it was every other day...now I'm lucky to find half an hour a week in which to get funky. I've got to get out of this rut and back into the groove!
Marge: Homer, I
thought our marriage could survive anything, but last night, you not only
crossed the line, you threw up on it!
Grampa Simpson: Dear
Mr. President, there are too many states these days. Please eliminate three.
Sincerely, Abe Simpson. PS: I am not a crackpot.
Homer: Marge, I
wanna be a monorail conductor.
Marge: Homer, no.
Homer: But it's my lifelong dream!
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to run out onto the field at a baseball game, and you did it, last year!
[Points to a framed newspaper reading "IDIOT RUINS GAME - Springfield forfeits pennant"]
Homer: Marge, I
wanna be a blackjack dealer.
Marge: Homer, no.
Homer: But it's my lifelong dream!
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to appear on "The Gong Show", and you did it, in 1977!
[Homer has a flashback to him and Barney playing an oversized harmonica]
Homer: We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire.
George Harrison: Hi,
Homer, I'm George Harrison.
Homer: Wow! Where did you get that brownie!
Mr. Bergstrom: And
for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys. Big guys, who were great shots,
and spent money freely.
Homer: How was
everyone's day at school?
Marge: Exhausting! It took the class 40 minutes to locate Canada on a map.
Homer: Oh, honey, anyone could miss Canada. All tucked way down there.
everything looks bad if you remember it.
Homer: I've got more
trophies than Wayne Gretzky & The Pope combined!
Mr. Burns: Compadres,
it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the
rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whomever brings me the head
of Colonel Montoya.
Mrs. Krabappel: As
you know, Bart, one day your permanent record will disqualify you from all but
the hottest and noisiest jobs.
Joey Ramone: [while
playing at Mr. Burns' birthday party] Go to hell, you old bastard!
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren't...
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!
Ralph Wiggum: [giving
report] ...and when the Doctor didn't have worms anymore that was the
happiest day of my life.
Miss Hover: Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.
Homer: That guy
impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow! A *blue car*!
That's two independent thought alarms in one day. Willie, the children are
over-stimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Groundskeeper Willie: I warned ya about the colored chalk, didn't I warn ya? That chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!
Homer: Oh Marge,
stop blaming yourself all the time! Blame yourself once, and move on.
everybody's fault but mine.
Sideshow Bob: [hypnotizing
Bart] You are in my power.
Bart: [in a hypnotic voice] I am at your command.
Sideshow Bob: I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.
Bart: I am in your power.
Sideshow Bob: That's better. No, go back to command. I like that better.
Marge: I thought you
said the law was powerless.
Chief Wiggum: Powerless to *help* you, not punish you.
Homer: I know! If
sink to the bottom, I can run to shore.
Homer: That's it!
I'm getting out of this town alive if it kills me!
Homer: Donuts - is
there anything they can't do?
Homer: I'm like that
guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon! What was his name?
[After Apu's wife Manjula gives birth to Octuplets. Apu has
been awake all night trying to put them all to sleep, and has fallen asleep
Manjula: [Waking Apu up.] Apu, it's 4:00 am, your late for work!
Apu: [Wakes Up.] Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream where I died!
Manjula: Oh, no you don't. Not 'til they're out of college!
Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to!
Smithers: Is this
really necessary sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but not completely full, for you see... /
Mr. Burns: / Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing I'm hunting for, is and outfit that looks good... / See... my... Vest! See my vest! / Made from real gorilla chest! / See this sweater, nothing better, than authentic Irish Setter. / See this hat, 'twas my cat, / My evening wear vampire bat. / These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino. / Grizzly bear underwear, / Turtle's necks I've got my share. / A beret of Poodle on my noodle it shall rest. / Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two! / See my vest! See my vest! See my vest! / Like my loafers? Former gophers, / (it was that or skin my chauffeurs) / but a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best! / So let's prepare these dogs...
Maid: Kill two for matching clogs!
Mr. Burns: Oh please won't you see... my... Vest! I really like the vest!
Smithers: I gathered, yah...
Lisa: He's gonna make a suit out of our puppies!
Bart: [still humming the tune] na na na na na na naa naaaa
Bart: Sorry... You gotta admit it's catchy.
[Before performing his back treatment]
Homer: One, two, better not sue.
Chief Wiggum: Let
this be a lesson to you - kids never learn!
Apu: And Paul here
wrote a song called "Live and Let Live".
Paul McCartney: Actually Apu, it was "Live and Let Die".
Homer: Lenny and
Carl suck! Oh, don't tell them I said that Marge, because I don't want to lose
their dear friendship.
Barney: I think we'd
be all better off if each country had it's own planet.
Lisa: Bart, Pablo
Neruda says "the eyes are the window to the soul".
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.
Lisa: You know Bart,
Pablo Neruda said "Laughter is the language of the soul".
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.
Embiggens? I never heard that word before moving to Spingfield.
Miss Hoover: I don't know why, it's a perfectly cromulent word.
Marge: Homer, is
this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
Homer: There's a
$10,000 bill in it for you.
Barney: Oh yeah? Which president is on it?
Homer: Um, all of them. They are having a party. Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch.
[Kang and Kodos have taken the form of Bob Dole and Bill
Kodos: I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.
Marge: That's Slick Willy for you, always with the smooth talk.
Senator Dole, why should people vote for you?
Kang: It does not matter which way you vote! Either way your planet is doomed! Doomed! Doomed!
Kent Brockman: Well, a refreshing bit of candor from Senator Bob Dole!
Elizabeth Hoover: I
fail to see the educational value of this assembly.
Mrs. Krabappel: Ah, it will be one of their few pleasant memories when they're pumping gas for a living.
Homer: Ahhh sweet
pity... what would my love life be without it ?
Ms. Simpson, do you think there is something funny about the term tromboner?
[In the Michael Crichton & Stephen King Bookstore]
Hans Moleman: Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum?
Storekepper: Get out.
Bart: It looks like
Santa's Little Helper is trying to climb over his girlfriend but he can't make
Homer: Kill my boss?
Do I dare live out the American dream?
Apu: I'm gonna party
like its on sale for $19.99
open a loaded cash register] Oh... Good-bye student loan payments!
Homer: Apu, if it
makes you feel any better, I've learned that life is just one crushing defeat
after another until you finally just wish Flanders was dead.
Ned Flanders: How do
you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says "Think!"?
Homer: You mean Lisa?
I'm ugly, dad!
Homer: No you're not. You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: You have to say that; you're my dad.
Homer: No I don't.
[Grampa walks by]
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?"
Grampa Simpson: No, you're homely as a mule's butt.
Homer: [to Lisa:] See?
Homer: The problem
in the world today is communication. Too much communication
Quick, we have to kill the boy!
Marge: How did you know he's a vampire?
Grampa Simpson: He's a vampire? Ahhhhh!
Homer: When I held
that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power... like God must feel when he's
holding a gun.
Homer: I'd kill you
if I had my gun!
Homer: This gun has
made me lose everything... my family, my friends, everything but my precious,
Marge: You lied to
me Homer. You told me you got rid of the gun.
Homer: But Marge, I swear, I never thought you'd find out.
Homer: Lisa, if I
didn't have this gun, the king of England could walk right in here and start
pushing you around.
[Homer starts pushing Lisa around]
Homer: D'you want that? Huh? Do ya?
Homer: Ohhh, stupid
movies! Who invented these dumb things, anyway?
Homer: Was it you, Bart?
vampires are make-believe! Just like elves, and gremlins, and Eskimos.
Homer: You can't
outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folk in the world. Just look at
the way they sucker regular folk with their crooked games.
Grampa Simpson: Son,
you're as stupid as a mule and twice as ugly. So if a stranger offers you a
ride, I'd say take it!
Ned Flanders: The
Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous!
Maude Flanders: Isn't that Homer Simpson?
Ned Flanders: Huh, looks like Heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State!
Bart: Dad, is this
art or is it vandalism?
Homer: That's for the courts to decide.
Homer: Stupid risks
are what make life worth living.
[Lisa is playing goalie for a minor hockey team.]
Lisa: Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way! Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone!
Homer: Wow! Eye of a tiger, mouth of a Teamster!
Krusty The Clown:
You, sir, are an idiot!
Homer: Trying is the
first step towards failure.
Homer: Is this
episode going on the air live ?
June Velany: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.
Homer: Where's the
Bart: You know,
there are names for people like you.
Lisa: No there aren't.
Bart: Teacher's pet! Apple polisher! Butt kisser!
Homer: Bart! You're saying butt kisser like it's a bad thing!
[At the hockey match.]
Homer: Okay Marge, its your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!
Homer: Oh Lisa,
there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.
Marge: This is the
worst thing you've ever done!
Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning.
Troy McClure: Hi,
I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such self-help videos as "Smoke
Yourself Thin", and "Get Confident, Stupid!".
Mr. Burns: Who is
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
nothing like revenge for getting back at people.
Carl: Vengeance isn't too bad either
there is no such thing as a soul. It's just something parents made up to scare
children, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
Moe: Who'd have
thought a whale would be so heavy?
[After picking up the phone]
Moe: Moe's Tavern! Hold on, I'll check.
[To the bar]
Moe: Hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.
[the bar laughs]
Moe: Oh, wait a minute!
Ralph Wiggum: Hi
Principal Skinner! Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers!
Grampa Simpson: I
was on the PT-109 with John F. Kennedy. We were the first to discover his
John Kennedy: A um ah, Ich bin ein Berliner.
Grampa Simpson: He's a Nazi, get him!
Homer: Oh Bart,
don't worry, people die all the time. In fact, you could wake up dead tomorrow!
[Reading a sign]
Homer: "Do not touch Willy" Hmm, good advice.
Sideshow Bob: You
wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon
lessons, the four years at clown college.
Cecil Terwilliger: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.
Lisa: Um, do you
know what you're doing?
Sideshow Bob: Lisa, you don't spend ten years as a homicidal maniac without learning a *few* things about dynamite.
Bart: I smell a
Homer: Yeah, good things don't end with 'eum,' they end with 'mania' or 'teria.'
Welcome to the Knowledgeum, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such
automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's
Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car unfortunately
will be subject to repeated break-ins and...
Homer: What'd he say? What about my car?
Duff book of records: Springfield is now the fastest city in the U.S.
Homer: Woo Hoo! In your face Milwaukee!
Marge: Homer, we
can't take his money!
Homer: Aww, I can't take his money, I can't print my own money, I have to work for my money! Why don't I just lay down and die!
Homer: Is there
anything you can prescribe, Doctor?
Dr. Hibbert: Fire, and lots of it.
Marge: Oh, that's your cure for everything.
Homer: I'm back...
Marge: Did you rent "Waiting to Exhale"?
Homer: [sadly] No... they put me on the "Waiting to Exhale" waiting list, but told me not to hold my breath.
Chief Wiggum: Do it
for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge.
Marge: That's your hat!
Lou: She's good, chief.
[a gay pride parade is marching past the Simpson home]
Gay men: We're here! We're queer! Get used to it!
Lisa: We are used to it! You do this every year!
Gay man: Aww, you take all the fun out of it.
Mr. Burns: Smithers
do you think you could dig up Al Joleson?
Smithers: Ummm.... Remember we tried that?
Mr. Burns: Oh right, he's dead... and rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget.
[Smithers and Mr. Burns at the Casino]
Smithers: Sir, Robert Goulet still hasn't arrived.
Mr. Burns: Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors!
[Robert Goulet arrives with Bart at his tree-house Casino]
Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the Casino? Mr. Burns' Casino? I'd better call my manager....
Nelson Muntz: Your manager says for you to shut up!
Robert Goulet: Vera said that?
Homer: But I can't
leave the country. What about my wife and kids?
Smithers: That can be shipped.
Order, order. Do you kids wanna be like the real UN or do you just wanna
squabble and waste time?
Ralph Wiggum: The
doctor said I wouldn't get so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there.
Homer: Save me
Rev. Lovejoy: No
Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in the hearts of your
friends be they Christian, Jew, or... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu! There are seven hundred million of us!
Rev. Lovejoy: Aww, that's super!
Curse the man who discovered helium! Curse Pierre Jules C"sar Janssen!
Cartoonist: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these
just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important?
Cartoonist: Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.
Cartoonist: I'm fired, aren't I?
Kent Brockman: The
Who will be playing tonight at Springfield's historic Yahoo Search Engine Arena.
Mr. Burns: Woah,
slow down there maestro. There's a *New* Mexico?
Restaurant Owner: C'Mon! You gonna kill him with a pastry? I've seen
this man eat a bowl of change!
See, the thing about my family is there are five of 'em: Marge, Bart, girl Bart,
the one that doesn't talk, and the fat guy. Oh, how I loathe him!
Homer: This is it.
The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in, I'll have to quit
Homer's Liver: YAY!!!
Homer: Shut up, liver...
[The Simpsons are buying tickets to a PG-13 movie]
Lisa: Mom, why is this movie rated PG-13?
Marge: [Reading pamphlet): It says it may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions, and scenes with Garry Shandling.
Chief Wiggum: Slink
away boys, slink away.
Mel Gibson: I'm too
old for this.
Homer: How old are you, anyway?
Mel Gibson: Well, I'm told I can play anyone from 28 to...
Homer: Sorry I asked.
stupid? I know I am.
Bart: I wasn't going
to gamble! I just wanted a Bloody Mary.
Fidel Castro: Ahhh, the Americans aren't *so* bad, they named a street
after me in San Francisco.
[Aide whispers in his ear]
Fidel Castro: It's full of *what*?
[Bachman Turner Overdrive is playing at a county fair.]
Bart: Who are those pleasant old men?
Homer: It's BTO! They're Canada's answer to ELP. Their big hit was TCB!
[Bart stares at Homer]
Homer: That's how we talked in the '70s. We didn't have a moment to spare.
Mr. Burns, who is going to steal some paintings] Mr. Burns, can you take me
with you? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and
[At the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding
Achievement in the Field of Excellence awards show]
Lisa: This award is the biggest farce I've ever seen.
Bart: What about the Emmys?
Lisa: I stand corrected.
Announcer: Now, let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief
stint replacing Andy Griffith in "The Andy Griffith Show"
Barney: Where's Otis? He's not in his cell.
Bronson: I shot him.
Barney: Well that's... what?!
Bronson: And now, I'm going down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop.
Bronson: To fix Emmett.
["Andy Griffith Show" theme plays]
Lionel Hutz: Now,
Mrs. Simpson, tell the court in your own words what happened after you and your
husband were ejected out of the restaurant.
Marge: Well, we pretty much went straight home.
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, remember that you are under oath.
Marge: We drove around until three in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn't find one?
Marge: [crying] We...went...fishing!
Lionel Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man whose had ALL he could eat?
[the jury is made up of fat, obese people]
Jury: No, no.
Jury Man: No, that couldn't 've been me!
Chief Wiggum: At
this time we have no leads but I can safely say that Apu didn't suffer.
Lou: It looks like he suffered to me chief.
Chief Wiggum: Aw jeeze Lou. How long were you planning on letting me drink this stuff?
Homer: Wow, it *is*
the seventies, right down to the smallest detail!
Marge: Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta!
Bartender: Yeah, *looks* like...
[Burns and Smither have been watching Bart Simpson's human
interest story on ducks. Burns is crying.]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers: There's no maybe about it, Sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
Mr. Burns: [crying]
Smithers, you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers: There's no maybe about it, sir.
Mr. Burns: [still crying] Excellent.
[Flanders has been trying to convince Mr. Burns to support
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, sounds delightful! I can't wait to start pawing through my garbage like some crotchety old racoon!
Mr. Burns: Release the hounds.
Mr. Burns: Well, neighbor, I see you have your running shoes on. That's a good thing!
Ned Flanders: Aaahhhh!
[He sees the hounds coming and runs away.]
Marge: Homer, the
Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer: Well in that case, He should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.
Leon Kompowsky: [In
Michael Jackson's voice] Hi, I'm Michael Jackson from the Jacksons!!!
Homer: I'm Homer Simpson, from the Simpsons.
[Homer and Marge discuss the dangers of a monorail]
Marge: What if something goes wrong?
Homer: Pffft...what if...what I slipped on a bar of soap in the shower?... Oh my god! I'd be killed!
Bart: Just so you
don't hear any crazy rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: Pfff. That's no reason to block the TV.
[The Professor Fink theme song]
Professor Frink: Professor Fink, Professor Fink/He'll make you laugh/He'll make you think/He likes to run and then the thing with the... person.
Homer: In your face,
[Bart is faking illness to get out of a test he hasn't
Bart: Ohhhh, my ovaries!
beer from the tap at Moe's] Uh-oh, my heart just stopped!
Barney: Oh, there it goes!
[playing a word game]
Bart: Kwijybo. I win, I'm outta here.
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere 'til you tell me what a Kwijybo is.
Bart: Kwijybo. A big dumb balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb balding ape!
Homer: Just a
statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza
just a statue?
Homer: Lisa, would
you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.
Rex Banner: Are you
the Beer Baron?
Ned Flanders: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-ildly as char-didily-arged!
Rex Banner: He's not the Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in.
[Lou and Eddie arrest Ned]
[At the Kwik-E-Mart]
Dr. Hibbert: [Speaking to Apu] Marge is right, sugar is not only fattening but it's also terribly, terribly addictive.......Uh, is my carton of Pixie Sticks in?
Apu: No, it hasn't come in yet.
Dr. Hibbert: [Pounds his fist on the counter] Dammit! When they come in you call me at this number.
Apu: [Reads the number Dr. Hibbert gives him] 911?
meeting! Family meeting!
[the rest of the family runs into the dining room and quickly takes their seats]
Homer: Okay, people, let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families.
Homer: All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.
Lisa: Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it.
Marge: Well, maybe if you'd eat some meat you'd have a natural lubricant.
[gasps and turns to Homer]
Marge: You lost all our money?
Homer: Point of order -- I didn't lose ALL the money. There was enough left for this cowbell.
[rings it softly and the bell breaks apart in his hands]
Homer: Damn you, eBay!
[Talking about Agnes Skinner in a low-cut dress]
Abe Simpson: What's keeping that dress on?
Sideshow Mel: The collective will of everyone in this room!
Warden: He drew a unicorn in space. I ask ya, what's it breathing?
Warden: Ain't no air in space.
Homer: There's an Air & Space Museum...
All right Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your Willie around!
Homer: Son, If you
want something in life you have to work for it, now be quiet, they're about to announce
the lottery numbers.
[Skinner hands Edna Krabappel an ice cream cone]
Mrs. Krabappel: Oh Seymour, you shouldn't have. It's going to go straight to my thighs.
Principal Seymour: Well Edna, it just might have some company.
[After days and days on a hunger strike, Homer hallucinates.]
Homer: Hey, who are you?
Ghost: The ghost of César Chávez.
Homer: Why do you look like Cesar Romero?
Ghost: Cause you don't know what César Chávez looks like.
Marge: Oh, Homer,
don't start stalking people again! It's so illegal! Remember when you were
stalking Charles Karault because you thought he dug up your garden?
Homer: Well, something did!
Marge: I don't want you stalking people tonight!
Homer: Alright, fine. I'll be right back. I'm just going outside... to... stalk... Lenny and Carl... D'oh!
Homer: The sun?
That's the hottest place on Earth.
Milhouse: Oh boy, a
Marge: What on earth
possessed you to get an earring?
Bart: Milhouse has one.
Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff...
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff?! I'm there!
Homer: Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family and its proud naval tradition.
Bart: Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me!
Homer: Oh...I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.
Lisa: Can I?
[Homer and Marge have been called in to the school to talk to
Principal Skinner: Thank you for coming.
Homer: Thank you for getting me out of work.
Milhouse: But my mom
says I'm cool!
Lisa: Bart, this is
Bart: Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind?
Children, I won't be staying long. I just came from the doctor, and I have Lyme
disease. Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.
Ralph: What's Lyme disease?
Principal Skinner: I'll field that one.
[goes to blackboard]
Principal Skinner: Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called `ticks'.
[writes `TICKS' on blackboard]
Principal Skinner: When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood...
Miss Hoover: [not calmed] Oh...
Principal Skinner: Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.
Miss Hoover: The brain!? Oh, dear God...
Martin: As your president, I would demand a science-fiction library,
featuring an ABC of the genre. Asimov, Bester, Clarke!
Student: What about Ray Bradbury?
Martin: I'm aware of his work...
Are you the substitute?
Bergstrom: Yessir, yes I aim.
Principal Skinner: Are you insane?
[For Show-and-Tell, Bart shows a videotape, titled, `How
Kittens are Born: The UGLY story'.]
Bart: Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in!
[After hearing about mummies.]
Homer: Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolf Man.
Lenny: So then I
said to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence. . .of being a jerk!"
Homer, did you jimmy open Mr. Burns' liquor cabinet?
Homer: Ooh "Jimmy" is such an ugly word, Marge. Unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits.
Mayor Quimby: And
now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshall, Mr. Leonard Nimoy.
Leonard Nimoy: [referring to the monorail] I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp Five.
Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May the Force be with you!"
Leonard Nimoy: [annoyed] Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?
Moe: Bring us your
finest food, stuffed with your second-finest.
Waiter: Very well, the lobster stuffed with tacos.
[After Bart turned himself green in a science accident]
Homer: Don't be discouraged, Son, I'm sure Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
[Homer is driving Mayor Quimby's limo.]
Mayor Quimby: Just remember... you represent the office of the mayor. So always comport yourself in a manner befitting - quick! Honk at that broad!
[Ned Flanders is having a Family Reunion]
Homer: Hey, Flanders!
Entire Flanders Family: Hiddily-Ho, Neighbourino!
Entire Flanders Family: Okily-Dokily!
Lisa: All we found
were these oozing berries, and they look pretty poisonous.
Ralph Wiggum: I ated the purple berries... oooh, oohh
[falls to ground]
Ralph Wiggum: ooohhh!
Lisa: How are they Ralph? Good?
Ralph Wiggum: They taste like...burning!
Bart: Milhouse my
mom wears earrings, do you think she is cool?
Milhouse: No I think she is hot! Sorry it just slipped out.
Hello, Edna. I know we had dinner plans tonight, but instead I'm leaving town
Bart: Dad, you
killed the zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?
[A rat steals the key]
Ralph: The pointy kitty took it.
[answering a prank phone call from Bart]
Moe: Moe's Tavern...Yeah, just a sec, I'll check.
Moe: Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss! Aw, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
[whole bar bursts into laughter]
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: [into phone] You little SOB! If I ever catch you I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs up your butt!
Homer: I can't
believe we spent $2,000 on this when right now rollers could be kneading my
Herb: Homer, would you stop thinking about your ass?!
Homer: I try, but I can't...
Bart: Dad, there
were things in the letter that had to be said. And I know you, you're an
emotional guy, just because you were mad last night, there's no guarantee you'd
be mad in the morning, so I figured....
Homer: I'll show you mad in the morning!!!!!
Chief Wiggum: Ok all
you have to do is record on this tape and get fat Tony to say something
[Looks at tape]
Bart: Hootie and the Blowfish?
Chief Wiggum: Hey, it was cheaper than a blank tape.
[Discussing Science versus Religion]
Ned Flanders: Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins the movie by telling you how it ends. Well, I say there are some things we don't want to know. Important things!
[Bill Clinton is playing the saxophone in a marching parade.]
Moe: Hey Clinton, get back to work!
[seeing Bart and Lisa play tennis]
Homer: That's tennis?
Homer: So which one is it where the chicks wale on eachother?
Bart: Foxy boxing?
Homer: Yes! That's the one I wanted!
[in Homer's dream]
Bart: He thought that trip to the guillotine factory was just for fun, but it was the perfect place to shoot him!
[Homer is heading out to participate in Whacking Day.]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, for the last time, please don't lower yourself to the level of the mob!
Homer: Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions. Now where's my foam cowboy hat and airhorn?
[Barry White is the Guest of Honor on Whacking Day.]
Mayor Quimby: Now I'd like to introduce the Prophet of Love, Larry White.
Barry White: It's Barry White.
Mayor Quimby: No, the card says Larry White.
Barry White: I think I know my own name.
Mayor Quimby: Yeah, well we'll just see about that!
Bart: Whacking Day
is a sham! It was originally conceived in 1922 as an excuse to beat up on the
Old Irishman: 'Tis true! I took many a lump, but 'twas all in fun!
[At a Cypress Hill Concert]
Bart: What's that smell?
Lisa: It smells like Otto's jacket.
Lisa: It was...a
Homer: Lisa honey, vampires aren't real! There's made up, like elves, goblins, and Eskimos!
Lisa: Dad, what
would you say if I told you that you can lose weight without dieting?
Homer: I'd say you were a lying scumbag. Why, honey?
[responding to sign on Stoner's Pot Place]
Otto Mann: That is flagrant false advertising!
[Kim Basinger is working out, Homer is coaching her]
Homer: And stretch! And strain! And hyperextend! Keep those knees rigid! Jerk that lower back!
Kim Basinger: I'm getting some shooting pains in my neck...
Homer: That's right, force it! Whip that neck!
[Alec Baldwin enters the room.]
Alec Baldwin: Does anybody know where this came from?
Homer: Oh, there's that script I wrote! Where did you find it?
Alec Baldwin: It was on my pillow.
Homer: The important thing is, it has the perfect part for you. For either of you! It's about a killer robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason. Ron Howard's attached to direct.
Ron Howard: No I'm not.
Homer: Well, he expressed an interest.
Ron Howard: No I didn't!
Homer: Did too!
[Getting death threat letters has made Bart paranoid on his
way to school.]
Marge: [menacingly, with large scissors] Bart... I'm going to GET you...
[brightly, clipping coupons]
Marge: ...some ice cream at the store since I'm saving so much money on Diet Cola!
[Bart walks down the street.]
Ned Flanders: [menacingly, wearing a Freddy Kreuger razor glove] Say your prayers, Simpson....
Ned Flanders: ...because the schools can't force you like they should!
Ned Flanders: Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church!
[Bart enters class.]
Edna: [menacingly] You're going to be my murder victim, Bart...
Edna: ...in our school production of Lizzy Borden, starring Martin Prince as Lizzy!
[Martin is wearing a dress and a wig, wielding an axe.]
Martin Prince: Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart!
[Bart and Milhouse are watching the original Itchy cartoon]
Milhouse: [reading] "Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman." Watch out, Itchy! He's Irish!
Mel Gibson: Come
with me to Hollywood.
Homer: You had me at "hello".
Mel Gibson: I didn't say hello.
[Otto needs to retake his driving test.]
Bart: I know you can do it, Otto. You're the coolest adult I know.
Otto: Wow! I've never been referred to as an adult before. I've been tried as one.
[In the school cafeteria.]
Edna: Seymour, you have to think of the children's future.
Seymour: Oh, Edna! We all know that these children HAVE no future!
[Everyone stops and stares at Seymour.]
Seymour: Prove me wrong children! Prove me wrong!
Homer: I feel that
if a gun is good enough to protect something as important as a bar, then its
good enough to protect my family.
Bart: Dad, your
half-assed underparenting was a lot funnier than your half-assed overparenting.
Homer: But this time I'm using my whole ass!
[After finishing building a church]
Homer: Look at what a wonderful prison we've built for God!
[Marge accidentally got breast implants]
Marge Simpson: You can't call breast implants a minor misunderstanding!
Doctor: Look, Mrs. Simpson, if you want, you can come back in 48 hours, and I'll remove them.
Marge Simpson: You better! If not, my husbands gonna come back here, and do some malpractice on your face!
Doctor: Oh, yes, your husband.
Doctor: I'm sure he'll be furious.
truckload of fish we gut brings us 31 cents closer to those tickets home.
Bart: And I think I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do
[guts some fishes]
Bart: knife goes in, guts come out, knife goes in, guts come out
[pulls out a talking fish]
Fish: Spare my life and I will grant you three --
Bart: [guts the talking fish] Knife goes in, guts come out.
[The kids of Springfield are broadcasting adults' secrets, in
order to embarrass them]
Lisa: And, by the way, there is somebody in Springfield who's been practicing medicine without a license!
[Dr. Hibbert gulps]
Lisa: That's right. Homer Simpson!
Ralph Wiggum: Well,
well, well. If it isn't that stupid cop from TV.
[picks his ear with his gun]
Lisa: Mom, what's
Marge: I'm sorry, honey, but we're renting your room to a satellite network until your father can pay for the destruction of a priceless artifact. Boy, I never thought I'd have to say that again.
[During the 1960 presidential elections on TV]
JFK: My name's John F. Kennedy and I would like to endorse a great beer named Duff.
Richard Nixon: My name's Richard Nixon and I would also like to endorse a great beer also called Duff
Homer: The lying jerk. He never had a drop of Duff in his life.
[The Simpsons got a automatic house, that does everything for
Marge Simpson: Ooh, look, we can choose its personality.
[Clicks on Matthew Perry]
House: Could I BE more of a house?
Homer: Ahh, now to
spend some quality time away from my family.
[Flanders has been transformed into a cow by Hibbert]
Ned Flanders: Oh, I'm not asking much, Homer! I just want you to squeeze my teats and harvest my milk.
[The Simpsons watch "Law and Order: Elevator Inspectors Unit"]
[Homer is getting stitches in his eyes]
Homer: I hate getting stitches in my eye! Stupid crows!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Now, don't be mad at the crows, Homer. They weren't trying to blind you, they were just trying to drink your sweet, sweet eye juices.
[Homer is surrounded by crows at Moe's Bar]
Moe Szyslak: Alright, get 'em outta here! This ain't no crow-bar. THIS is a crow-bar.
[Moe reaches under the counter and pulls out a portrait of crows sitting at a bar]
Moe Szyslak: See? They got their little stools and everything.
[Homer is taunting a shark]
Homer: Come on Sharky! Call yourself the king of the jungle?
Homer: I don't see
any shirts saying Homer is a dope!
Salesman: They sold out ten minutes ago.
Homer: I'll take one!
Lisa: If you believe
in angels then why not unicorns or leprechauns?
Kent Brockman: Oh Lisa everyone knows leprechauns are extinct!
[Groundskeeper Willy has been turned into an ape]
Dr. Hibbert: Willy, take these folks' luggage.
Dr. Hibbert: Careful, he might try to gnaw on your crotch.
Homer: Don't worry, I've been around Scotsmen before.
in a hammock, sings] You put the beer in the coconut and drink it all up,
you put the beer in the coconut and throw the can away.
[The can hits Flanders on the head]
Ned Flanders: Homer!
Homer sings: You throw the can away.
[Another can hits Ned]
Ned Flanders: I said, Homer!
Judge Harm: [a women, to Bart] You remind me of
myself...when I was a little boy.
Seymour, tell these people we're going ahead of them.
Principal Skinner: I'm not the principal of the line, mother.
Agnes Skinner: And you never will be.
[Homer becomes a teacher]
Lisa: So, dad, are you ready to spread knowledge and enlighten minds?
[Homer stares at her, confused]
Homer: That's right, honey. Daddy's a teacher.
Ned Flanders: I
don't get it, Homer. How do you turn off that voice of reason?
Homer: Who? Lisa?
[Every inhabitant of Springfield has been turned into an
Ralph: [feathers pop out of his back] I'm a dog!
Sideshow Bob: Homer,
how can one man have so many enemies?
Homer: I'm a people person!
[Homer is dressed up as a Teletubby]
Homer: Hey, Maggie! I'm daddy, the teletubby! And, I'm all man, in case you heard otherwise.
Mark Hamill: Homer,
use the for...
Homer: The Force?
Mark Hamill: The forks. Use the forks.
Marge Simpson: I
can't help but feel this is all my fault. It was those North Korean fortune
cookies - they were so insulting. "You are a coward." Nobody wants to hear that
after a nice meal!
Homer: Marge, you can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, then move on.
Bart's grades are up a little this term! But Lisa's are way down.
Homer: Oh, why do we always hae to have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge Simpson: We have three kids, Homer.
Homer: Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid.
Marge Simpson: No, I mean Maggie.
Homer: Oh, yeah.
Grampa Simpson: If
anyone needs me, I'll be in the outhouse.
Marge: We don't have an outhouse.
Homer: My tool shed!
[The city of Springfield is having an illegal party in the
ocean, about 300 yards from American territorial waters]
Bart: [on megaphone] What are you gonna do now, Coast Guard? Huh? You can't arrest us or do anything to us! Lousy Americans...
Coast Guard: [on megaphone] We can't hear you! Come 300 yards closer!
Ned Flanders: Pardon
me, neighbourinos. Some of our boys are lost in your town. You wouldn't have
happenned to see them, by any chance?
Shelbyville Guy #1: Typical. Springfieldians can't take care of their kids.
Shelbyville Guy #2: Yeah. That's why we beat them at football almost half the time.
[Lenny and Carl are meditating]
Lenny: Who... likes... short shorts?
Carl: I... like... short shorts.
[Homer is setting up a rocket Bart purchased]
Bart: This is gonna be cool!
Lisa: And also educational! We can learn about science!
Bart: Uh...she didn't say 'science', she said.....'pie pants'
Homer: Mmmm...pie pants...
Krusty The Clown:
Hey yutz! Guns aren't toys --- they're for family protection, hunting dangerous
and delicious animals, and keeping the king of England out your face!
Homer: They expect
me to wait here from 9 to 5? That's... how many hours?
[looks at watch; counts fingers]
Homer: 10, 11,... denominator... Awww where's Lisa when ya need her?
[Bart and Lisa both want to go to the Krusty Anniversary
Show, and Ralph Wiggum has tickets to take himself and her; his crush]
Lisa: I don't even know if I should go. I don't even like him.
Bart: You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. I'll go disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants to kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he ---
Bart: [interrupts Lisa] You don't wanna know how far I'll go.
Mr. Kidkill: Escort these gentlemen out.
Gay Dressing Room Bodyguard: Avec plaisir.
into church] Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, why did I teach him that word?
Street Vendor: And, as choice of drinks, we have Mountain Dew or crab
Homer: EWWWW! I'll take crab juice, of course!
Homer: If the
Flintstones have taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix
Mr. Burns: Simpson!
I've been reviewing your performance record, and it is appalling! It says here
that you caused 17 meltdowns!
Bart: I'm not Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: I know who Homer Simpson is! Not only that, but you also sold plutonium to the Iraqis... with no mark-up!
[Homer donates 10000$ to PBS]
Marge: [to Lisa] From now on, one of us stays home all the time.
Radio Announcer: So, Monty, tell us when was your first gay
Mr. Burns: Oh, that was when I was 5. My father took me to the park, that was a gay old time.
[Barney and Homer are in a helicopter, when they land in the
middle of a bridge and stop a beer truck. A six pack falls out]
Homer: You have to do it Barney! You have to save my kids!
Barney: I can't! My nerves are shot!
[grabs six pack]
Homer: [grabs beer] No! I won't let you do it! You have to be sober for this.
Barney: You can't drink them all!
Homer: Oh, yeah?
[wrestles rest of six pack from Barney and chugs it]
Homer: I won't let you do this Barney. Not when you've come this far in...
Homer: being the greatest pal in the world! I love you! I guess it started at graduation, when I-
Barney: Homer! You brave, brave man. You took 6 silver bullets for me.
Homer: [mumbles] Stay away from my wife!
[An outake on the Krusty The Klown Show]
Sideshow Mel: [Drunk] Everyone is always kissing your ass! Well, I'm here to tell you, that you're a
Homer: Guys, I'm
sorry I got you expelled.
Nerd #1: Don't worry, Homer. We can take care of ourselves.
[the nerds take two steps, and Snake jumps out of the bushes]
Snake: Uhh, wallet inspector.
Nerd #2: Okay. Here you go.
[all nerds hand him their wallets]
Homer: Wait. That wasn't the wallet inspector...
[Marge made a disgusting breakfast]
Lisa: [whispers] Dad, I know a way to get out of this.
Lisa: Say, Dad,
Lisa: would you like to see my project for the school science fair?
Homer: No, Lisa,
Homer: but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast.
Milhouse: I can't go
to juvie, they use guys like me as currency!
[Homer and Moe are serving on a nuclear sub.]
Homer: Damage report, Mr. Moe.
Moe: Sonar: out. Navigation: out. Radio: out.
Homer: Enough of what's out! What's in?
Moe: Ice-blended moccha drinks and David Schwimmer.
Homer: Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.
Jimbo Jones: Hey
look! Milhouse has an earring!
[Everyone on the bus starts chanting Milhouse's name in recognition of his newfound coolness.]
Bart: Hey, if you want cool, check this out. (Singing and dancing) Everybody if you can do the Bart, Man! Shake your body turn it out if you can, can! Do the Bart, Man, yeah!
Ralph Wiggum: That is so 1991.
[Bart has had his ear pierced.]
Lisa: An earring, how rebellious! In a conformist sort of way.
Homer: But Marge!
You being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman! And I have no
interest in that. Besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we
discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
on top of the bar] Money gets you one more round, drink it down, you stupid
clown. Money gets you one more round, and you're out on your ass!
[falls off bar]
Moe: OW, my back!
some police attack dogs] Boy, they look pretty angry there, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I've been starving them, teasing them, singing really badly off key...
movie had heart, but Football In The Groin had a football in the groin.
[on the phone]
Homer: But Mr. Burns, I can't find you funny anymore.
Mr. Burns: I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs! Now we're ordering out, so what would you like on your pizza pie..."Extra cheese!?" Who do you take me for, Lorenzo de Medici!?
Homer: Moe, I've got
a friend named Joey..Joe Joe Junior...Shabadoo.
Moe: Homer, that's the worst name I've ever heard.
[A man runs out of the bar crying]
Barney: Wait! Joey Joe Joe!
Nelson: I feel like
such a tool!
Lisa: My family
never talks about library standards. And every time I try to steer the
conversation that way, they make me feel like a nerd.
Comic Book Guy: We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt?
[open his jacket to show off his shirt]
Lisa: [reading the shirt] "C:/DOS C:/DOS/RUN RUN/DOS/RUN".
Lisa: Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny.
Professor Frink: Yes, we call that the "Dennis Miller Ratio."
Sherry Bobbins is leaving] Bye Superman!
Lisa: Dad, do you think we'll ever see Sherry Bobbins again?
Homer: I'm sure we will, honey!
[She is sucked into a jet engine in the background]
Homer: I'm sure we will.
a creepy English accent] Join us tomorrow and everyday until the curfew is
lifted as we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other
Homer: Well, at least they've already done me.
Bart: [In the same accent] And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Smithers
had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of
the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.
[Homer is drunk]
Lisa: You saved us, dad! You did it!
Homer: I could do a lot more things if I had some money.
Lisa: Poor little
Maggie... How many mental competency hearings have you been to, in your short
Marge: Who cut my
Homer: Oh, yeah. When I was fixing your car, I kinda spilled all your break liquid. I didn't want to tell you, 'cause I thought you'd get mad.
Belle: Are you
wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.
friend! Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside
you right now. Use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace,
Springfield. Don't delay! Eternal happiness is only a dollar away!
Homer: This is Homer
Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court is making me call everybody back and
apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart
to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace,
Springfield. You have the power.
Homer: Oh yeah,
Marge? I made a dollar!
Marge: While you were out making that dollar, you lost forty. And the plant called and said that if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: WOOHOO! Four day weekend!
Homer: Badger my
ass, its probably just Milhouse.
[After seeing Homer with princess Kashmir]
Homer: [To Bart] Why you little!
Marge: Why you big!
[Homer is sitting at the dinner table in all black with a
balaclava on his head]
Marge: Why all the black?
Homer: Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything?
Lisa: You look a little nervous, Dad.
Homer: No, YOU look a little nervous, Lisa.
Bart: You're up to something, aren't you, Dad?
Homer: NO! I'm just going out now to commit certain deeds.
Krusty The Clown:
Kids, we're going to the happiest place on earth - Tijuana, Mexico!!
Krusty The Clown:
And this ends Krusty's non-denominational holiday fun fest. So have a Merry
Christmas, a Happy Chanukah, a Krazy Kwanzaa, a Tip Top Tet, and a solemn,
eventful Ramadan. Now, over to my god, our sponsors.
Krusty The Clown:
Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like
Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hanta virus?! That came
out of left field! So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five
dollars to antidote, PO box...
[gets interrupted by a newscast]
Homer: If you're
going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just
have to stop doing stupid things!
Homer: Who wants to
go through that cactus field?
Sideshow Bob: [Underneath car] Not me.
Homer: Oh well, four against one!
[Drives through cactus field]
Chief Wiggum: We
have a pursuit of a suspect driving a...car of some sort. Heading in the
direction...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless, I repeat,
Homer: I can't wait until they throw his hatless butt in jail.
everything ended fine.
Marge: No, it didn't! Bart's dead!
Homer: Saying I'm sorry won't bring him back.
Marge: The gypsy said it would!
Homer: Pff! She's not the boss of me!
Kent Brockman: The
alien has appeared in the Springfield Forest for the last two Friday nights.
Will it appear again this Friday? The entire Channel 6 News Team will be there,
except for Bill, the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow.
[boom mike hits Kent]
Kent Brockman: Very unprofessional, Bill.
Kent Brockman: At
the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt with in a
harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could incite other women
leading to anarchy of biblical proportions.
[Pause, pounds desk]
Kent Brockman: It's in "Revelations", people!
Springfield has been overrun by a strange and almost certainly evil sect,
calling themselves The Movementarians. In exchange for your home and all your
belongings, the Leader of this way out... and wrong religion, the Leader claims
he'll take believeres to the planet, Blisstonia. Excuse my editorial laugh.
Kent Brockman: But...
Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, I just learned of a new change in management. Welcome, Movementarians! I love you, perfect Leader... and new CEO of KBBL Broadcasting!
Ralph Wiggum: [knocks
on door] Hi. Can Lisa come out with her hands up?
[waves to cops hiding in bushes]
Private detective: Where's principal Skinner's office?
Groundskeeper Willy: Wait a minute! You can't just walk in there!
Private detective: You know, you're the spitting image of the Aberdeen strangler.
Groundskeeper Willy: Carry on.
Moe: Go home,
Lisa: I am home.
Moe: Good, then stay there!
Whoa, Dad's been arrested six times! Aww, Mom's only been arrested twice!
[Homer watches Tv.]
TV Announcer: Tonight on 'Wings'...enhh, who cares?
[Homer, Lenny, Carl and Barney are sitting in Homer's garage,
Homer: [to Marge] Barkeep! Another beer!
Marge: Wasn't this supposed to be your tavern?
Homer: It's a family place! Right, kids?
Lisa: Can we go to bed now?
Groundskeeper Willy: If it was up to me, I'd let you go; but the Gods
have a temper, and they've been drinking all day!!
Milhouse: I fear to
watch, yet I cannot look away.
Fat Tony: What's a
Homer: Een America,
first you get da suger. Den you get de money. Den you get de power. Den you get
[Otto left his fiancee at the altar because of Marge]
Bart: Say, I got an idea! Why don't you stay with us?
Marge: Bart, remember that talk we had about inviting people to stay with us without asking?
Homer: Marge, remember that talk we had about ruining peoples' weddings?
Marge: A woman
doctor? Well, now I've seen everything.
Marge: Well, I guess
it was a pretty funny practical joke. I like the ones where nothing catches on
Barney: So, I say,
when we die there should be two planets- one for the French and one for the
Barney: What do you
mean I forgot my birthday?! How could I forget-
[chugs a beer glass]
Barney: - my own birthday?!
These pants cost me 600$!
Homer: Yeah, they're Italian.
Moe: [pulls out shotgun and points it at Homer] All right, hand them over.
Moe: Yeah, I rob now.
Social Worker: So, this is your room?
Lisa: Yes. My room is my sanctuary. My family members know that and respect that.
Bart: [runs in] Lisa, I got sprayed by a skunk! Let me rub it off on your sweaters!
Lisa: [takes out stress ball and starts squeezing it] Just ten more years, just ten more years, just ten more years...
Homer: I'm gonna
come back with the best gift a husband can get a wife- an annulment from my
Abe Simpson: [to
Homer] You know, I have a son about your age.
[Ginger wakes up next to Abe]
Abe Simpson: Good morning, honey!
Ginger: Who are you?
Abe Simpson: I'm your husband! We got married yesterday!
Ginger: But, how? We didn't?... You know. Did we?
Abe Simpson: You know, we almost didn't. But you wouldn't take "I can't" for an answer.
Marge: If I had
known that there were loose women in Las Vegas, I would've never let you go!
Homer: Now, what
were we talking about, boy?
Bart: Uhhhh... we were talking about the time you beat jury duty.
Homer: Oh yeah. The trick is to say you're prejudice against all races.
Adam West] So long, Superman! Your secret identity is safe with me!
[The Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing at Moe's bar]
Bart: Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, do you want to appear on a Krusty comeback special?
Anthony Kiedis: Sure, kid. If you can get us outta this gig.
Bart: No problemo.
[Bart points to the wall behind Moe]
Bart: Hey Moe, look over there.
Moe: What? What am I looking at?
[Bart and the Red Hot Chili Peppers walk out the door]
Moe: I'm gonna stop looking here in a second. What, is *that* it?
[Homer walks into the bar]
Homer: Hey Moe, can I look too?
Moe: Sure, but it'll cost ya.
Homer: My wallet's in the car!
[He runs outside]
Moe: He is so stupid. And now, back to the wall...
Homer: Yep, nobody's
more wild and youthful than old man Burns.
Snake: I'm gonna win
you back, even if it means I got to pistol whip this dude
Snake: all night.
Homer: [scared] Pistol whip?
[imagines himself eating whipped cream from a pistol]
Homer: Hmm, pistol whip...
[Homer is strangling Bart because he made a popular cartoon
based on him]
Bart: [chokes] There's going to be a movie about you.
Homer: [stops choking Bart] Who's going to play me?
Bart: John Goodman.
Homer: [continues choking Bart] Isn't it obvious it should be Gary Oldman?!
Marge: So you're
saying that I should bribe Lisa back to Christianity?
Rev. Lovejoy: Sure! You could save a lot more souls with roller-skates and Easy-Bake ovens, than with this
Rev. Lovejoy: 2000 page sleeping pill.
[While Moe is away, Homer is in charge of the bar]
Homer: [picks up phone] Hello?
Bart: Hello, is Ali Tabooger there?
Homer: Ooh, Bart! My first prank phone call! What do I do? What do I do?
Bart: Don't panic. Just ask for Ali Tabooger.
Homer: I don't get it.
Bart: Ask for I'll Eat A Booger.
Homer: What's the joke?
Bart: [sighs] Forget it.
Announcer: It's the Krusty Komedy Klassics!
[Krusty runs out on stage]
Krusty The Clown: HEY HEY!
[turns around, notices sign]
Krusty The Clown: KKK? Oh, that's not good!
Krusty's Accountant: So let me get this straight - you took all the
money you made franchising your name and bet it AGAINST the Harlem
Krusty The Clown: But I thought the Generals were due!
[watches the game on TV]
Krusty The Clown: He's spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it! That game is fixed.
Homer: Hey, it's the
first day of the month! New billboard day!
[drives by, reads first billboard]
Homer: "This year, give her English muffins". Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard!
jail; looks out window and sees Moe singing about going to Hawaii] Hawaii?
What about Hawaii? Moe, who's going to Hawaii? Am I going to Hawaii?
Chief Wiggum: [bangs on Homer's jail cell] Stop saying "Hawaii" in there!!
[At an auction]
Homer: Heh, heh, heh. Watch me burn Flanders.
[picks up sheet]
Homer: Ned Flanders bids 50$.
Auctioneer: And the recipient of the 100$ bill is Ned Flanders!
Ned Flanders: This is going straight to the orphanage.
Ranier Wolfcastle: [to
piece of pie] You remember when I said I'll eat you last? I lied!
Bart: This is
Milhouse. He's my best friend, because... Well, geographical convenience.
[Lisa just wakes up after passing out]
Homer: Lisa? Lisa? Are you ok?
Lisa: Ok? I'm great! I'm ready for the gymnastics class, now. Ich bin ein gymnast!
Homer: Awww, she must've dreamt about Hitler, again.
[In a Chinese Krusty factory]
Krusty The Clown: Laziness is counter-revolutionary.
[In order to go to College, Lisa convinced two College girls
that her house is an off-campus dorm]
College Girl #1: Hey, Lisa. Where've you been?
Lisa: In heaven!
College Girl #2: I love her. She's such a free spirit.
College Girl #1: She has to be, where she lives. That place had a Manson Family vibe...
Ralph Wiggum: Why do
people keep running away from me?
[wets himself and smiles]
a gay man] Homer, he prefers the company of men.
Homer: Who doesn't?
Marge: Sitting that
close to the TV is bad for your health.
Homer: Talking to me while I'm watching TV is bad for your health.
Marge: You know, you
have to stop drinking?
Cowboy: What do you care?
Marge: I don't know. I just naturally I assumed that it was any of my business.
Lead Pirate: And now, back to secret pirate island- Hong Kong.
Brazillian Kidnapper: [opens suitcase full of money]
Ahh, look at all that pink and purple! Our money sure is gay.
[Santa's Little Helper has crawled into the vent at
Ralph Wiggum: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent.
Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
Ralph Wiggum: He was going to the bathroom.
Homer: Oh man, oh
man. We killed Mr Burns! Mr Burns is gonna be so mad!
Homer: Hello, Son. I
wanna apologize. I got so caught up in trying to encourage you, that I was
blinded to your stinky performance. If you come back and play for the team, I
promise I'll never encourage you again.
Lisa: Why is there
no dial tone?
Marge: Your father refuses to pay the bill, so the company cut our phone lines.
Lisa: [sighs] Why must you fight every utility?
Homer: [annoyed] I told you, I have too much free time.
Lenny: It's a good thing you stopped smoking the magic grass, Homer. You were getting spaced out.
Carl: Yeah, we were planning an intervention, but I got alcohol poisoning that night.
Bart: Why would Duff
publish a book.
Lisa: It was designed to settle fights in taverns.
Homer: Whoo-hoo! She said "tavern"! I'm going to Moe's!
[runs away and drives off]
Marge: I never agreed to that rule!
Moe: Well the only
way I can recoop from this is...
[Takes out a can of gas, pours it all over his bar, and throws and lighted match on it]
Carl: Um, aren't you supposed to get insurance first?
Moe: Oh crap.
[Lisa is missing a crayon; Homer had a crayon removed from
his brain making him smarter]
Marge: [reassuringly] Sweetheart, the missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer: [crashes through living room window and holds up two fistfuls of tickets] Who wants lottery tickets?!
Marge: [resigned] Okay, it's in his brain.
[Homer holds up Lisa to attract a bull]
Homer: Here, Toro! Here's something to gore!
Homer: Not now, honey. Daddy's busy.
[Bart and Milhouse are watching a secret tape of police
Ned Flanders: I really hate to be a snitch.
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence.
Ned Flanders: Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape into my house. It's, uh, taken over the top floor.
Bart: It wasn't dad's fault. The ape tricked him.
being sprayed by fake blood] I look like cable T.V.!
Mr. Burns: Damnit
Smithers! This is brain surgery, not rocket science!
Manjula: Apu, you
have completed the list. You may now move back with your family in your never
Homer: Wait a minute. You forgot to eat a light bulb.
Apu: Thank you very much, you fat blabbermouth! Sorry, sorry. It's been a rough month.
Homer: [gives him light bulb] Here you go!
Homer: Don't worry. I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up.
Professor Frink: Oh,
what gave me away? Out of curiosity, was it the "hoyven," or the "maven," or was
it the whole guh-HOYVEE! ...thing ...that I do?
Homer: Stupid family
going to stupid Flanders' stupid barbecue. What if they got back and I was dead
from not eating? Then they'd be sorry. They'd say, "Oh no, why did we go to
Flanders barbecue? Why did we leave Homer all alone without any food?" And I'd
be laughing. Laughing from my grave! Heh heh heh.
Fat Tony: Greetings,
Homer: Hey, Tony. Still with the mafia?
Fat Tony: Uh, yes, thank you for asking. You might remember, a while ago you were done a favor by our...how shall I put this...mafia crime syndicate.
Homer: Oh yeah, that's right?
Fat Tony: Well, I have come to inform you that now it's your turn to do US a favor.
Homer: Wait - you mean the only reason the Mob did me a favor was because they wanted something back in return? Fat Tony! I say good day to you, sir.
Fat Tony: [Ashamed] Okay...I'll go now.
[He leaves the building.]
Fat Tony: Hey...wait a minute!!
Homer: Oh, I almost
forgot. While I was at the court house, I had them change your name.
Marge: To what?
Homer: Chesty La Rue.
Marge: CHESTY LARUE?
Homer: Just try it for two weeks. If you don't like it, you can be Busty St. Claire.
Marge: I don't want to be Chesty La Rue or Busty St. Claire.
Homer: Fine. Hooty McBoob it is.
Marge: Goodnight, Homer.
Homer: Goodnight, Hooty.
Marge: Give me those.
Homer: I'm sorry. I
cant come in today. Religious holiday. The feast of... Maximum Occupancy.
[Homer is elected union kingpin]
Homer: So what does this job pay?
Carl: Unless you're crooked.
Quimby's Assisstant: Election in November! Election in November!
Mayor Quimby: AGAIN? This stupid country.
Where's that gun-toting maniac when you need him?
Snake: Sorry, I was in the can!
Homer: Ahh! A hungry
[Arnie's helicopter goes down during a snowstorm]
Arnie Pie: Mayday, mayday! We're going down! Tell my wife I love-
Kent Brockman: [Chuckles and shuffles papers] That's great, Arnie.
[The Simpsons' drywall collapses and Maggie crawls out of it]
Homer: [in baby talk] Maggie! That's where you were, honey! You were hiding in the drywall, yes you were. Daddy's sure happy Social Services didn't see this, yes he is.
Bart: Dad, I can't
believe you're risking my life to save your own!
Homer: Son, you'll understand one day, when you have kids.
Stan Lee: Aren't you the guy who was stalking Lynda Carter?
Comic Book Guy: I believe the term is "courting". The restraining order says "No, no". But, the eyes say "Yes, yes".
Kent Brockman: Now,
at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this
squarely on YOU, the viewers!
Homer: Here, little
[Homer pours beer into Linguo's mouth]
Lisa Simpson: Dad! No!
Homer: I'm sorry. I thought he was a party robot.
Lisa Simpson: Oh! This is why I can't have nice things. Grrr... every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and breaks it.
Lisa Simpson: Almost
done. Just lay still.
Linguo: Lie still.
Lisa Simpson: I knew that. Just testing.
Linguo: Sentence fragment.
Lisa Simpson: Sentence fragment is also a sentence fragment.
[Linguo's eyes move back and forth as it thinks]
Linguo: Must conserve battery powrt.
[Linguo shuts itself down]
First mobster: Hey! They's throwin' robots!
Linguo: They are throwing robots.
Second mobster: It's disrespecting us. Shut up a'you face!
Linguo: Shut up your face.
Second mobster: Whatsa' matta you?
First mobster: You ain't so big.
Second mobster: Me an' him are gonna' whack you in the labonza!
Linguo: Mmmm... aah.... bad grammar overload! Error! Error!
Hank Scorpio: By the
way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France?
[Scorpio adjusts a giant laser cannon pointing towards the sky]
Hank Scorpio: Heh heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy...
[Homer's family wants to move back to Springfield, but he
likes his new job at Globex]
Homer: We've got it great here! And for the first time in my life I'm actually good at my job! My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions!
[Scorpio has a James Bond-style secret agent strapped to a
table with a cutting laser edging up towards him]
Hank Scorpio: Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Bunt?
Marge: I saved these
for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were
the whole world's special little guy.
Bart: Thanks, Mom.
Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer: [breaks lamp] D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba!
Dr. Hibbert: You
can't let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs!
Mr. Burns: [to
Homer] Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.
Smithers: Sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.
Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers... I would have said anything to get your stem cells.
[Dr. Nick's commercial]
Dr. Nick: You've tried the best. Now try the rest!
Homer: Lisa, why
didn't you warn me?! Being a brain has alienated me from all my friends.
Lisa: Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down. In fact I made a graph...
Lisa: I make alot of graphs...
Homer: Lisa, why
didn't you warn me?! Being a brain has alienated me from all my friends.
Lisa: Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down. In fact I made a graph...
Lisa: I make alot of graphs...
[The oil rig Homer's working on has caught on fire]
Homer: Oh no! This is how faceless Joe lost his legs!
Marge: I can't even
think of how many times your father has done something crazy.
Lisa: WAIT A MINUTE!
[pulls out a timekeeper]
Lisa: Yup, 300 times!
Otto: They call 'em
"fingers," but I never see 'em fing. Oh wait, there they go.
Moe: Oh boy, it
looks like it's suicide again for me.
Chief Wiggum: Heh, yeah, right, lady: An elephant ran through your front yard. Okay.
Chief Wiggum: Wiggum... Yeah, right, mister, mmhmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay.
Chief Wiggum: Wiggum... Yeah, right, buddy, liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson.
L.T Smash: [Watching
Bart's Band] Those guys are gonna be huge.
L.T Smash: And you tried to get in their way!
Principal Skinner: No I didn't! I even got in early to prepare orange drink.
L.T Smash: Orange drink? What, do you live with your mother?
Principal Skinner: *She* lives with *me*!
[In front a "Best Teacher's Award" committee]
Bart: [in a video] This year, I'd like to nominate my teacher- Ms. Krabappel. Shy may not be glamorous or entertaining. She's just a normal teacher who's always there. And, she's never given up on me- Bart Simpson.
[all committee members gasp in horror]
Committee member #1: Bart Simpson?! I thought he was an urban legend!
[hardly anyone is in church]
Rev. Lovejoy: I'm glad to see that some of you can stay away from the lures of the big game.
Man: OH MY GOD THE GAME!
[He runs out of church]
Homer: We're going
to Disney World!
[Homer is seen in front of the Magic Kingdom at Disney World, while sirens sound and searchlights search for Homer]
"Mickey Mouse": [over loudspeaker] Step away from the wall, step away from the wall!
Homer: It's so beautiful!
[Homer disappears over fence]
Homer: One churro, please!
Cast Member: That'll be fourteen dollars.
Homer[crying]: No! No, no, nooooo! Here!"
Bart: Ugh, I'm only
ten and I already got two mortal enemies!
Bart: Stomp that
Otto: Sick lingos, boys!
Bart: I've gotta go to the bathroom.
Otto: Ah, ah, talk to the snowboard!
Bart: Uh, I've gotta blast a douche?
Otto: Douch on!
Rupert Murdoch: Hello, Murdoch here... 10,000 dollars? You've saved my network!
Bart: Wouldn't be the first time.
Homer: Dancing away
my hunger pain... moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt... I'm kinda like
Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way...
Moe: Jeez, Homer's losing it already.
Carl: Yeah but his weary shuffling makes my heart smile.
Abe Simpson: You
know, I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never
hear the screams of pain, or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank
heaven for children!
Bart: Ladies and
gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you have just seen, war is neither
glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars,
with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and The
Star Wars Trilogy.
you're a bad man and your seed should be wiped from the earth...no offense,
[Homer thinks Gabriel is an angel]
Homer: Gabriel, this is a bar where they serve beer, which is the mortal equivalent of your ambrosia.
Gabriel: Homer, I'm not an angel!
Homer: Well, not with that attitude.
Lou: Another case of
Chief Wiggum: How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night?
Lou: Looks like
another case of Monopoly related violence, chief.
Wiggum: How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night?
Mulder: Are we alone
in the universe? Impossible. When you consider the wonders that exist all around
us...voodoo priests of Haiti, the Tibetan numerologists of Appalachia, the
unsolved mysteries of Unsolved Mysteries....The truth it out there.
Lisa: I think it's
ironic that dad saved the day while a slimmer man would've fallen to his death.
Bart: Yeah, and I think it's ironic that dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic gas.
Principal Skinner: I
know you can read my thoughts, Bart. If I find out you cut class, your ass is
mine. You heard me. I think words I would never say.
Homer: I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow.
Homer: What does
Principal Skinner: If the jury is deadlocked, they're put up in a hotel so that they cant communicate with the outside world.
Homer: What does "deadlocked" mean?
Principal Skinner: It's when the jury cant agree on a verdict.
Homer: And "if"?
Principal Skinner: A conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition of".
Homer: So "if" we get "deadlocked", we'll be "sequestered" at the Springfield Palace Hotel. Where we'll get a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO. Ooh! Free Willy!
Ned Flanders: Sir...
There's no reason Sarah needs to do this scene in the altogether.
Sara Sloane: Sam, he's got a point. Katherine Hepburn never showed her breasts.
[Bart is preparing a batch of appetizers for Skinner's party]
Lisa: What's with the dog food?
Bart: My theory is - Skinner likes dog food.
[both leave, Homer walks in the room]
Homer: Ooh, a fresh batch of American balls!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late With McBain! I'm your
host, Corporal Obengruppenfhurer Wolfcastle. And now, here's McBain!
[McBain walks out on stage]
Ranier Wolfcastle: Ja, thank you, ja. Let's hear it for my music guy, Skoey! That's some outfit, Skoey! It makes you look like a homosexual.
Ranier Wolfcastle: Well, maybe you all are homosexuals!
Selma: Sideshow Bob
tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
Lawyer: How many people in this courtroom are thinking of killing her right now?
[a few people raise their hands]
Lawyer: Be honest...
[everyone raises their hand]
Patty: Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
Lenny: With a woman
working here, we wont be able to spit on the floor anymore.
Carl: And we wont be able to take our pants off when it gets really hot.
Homer: And we wont be able to pee in the drinking fountain...
Chief Wiggum: All
right, Simpson, where's the fire?
[Homer points to the police station, which is on fire]
Chief Wiggum: All right, Simpson. You just bought yourself a 417, pointing out police stupidity. Or is that a 413? No, a 413 is a dog, and... um... you're in trouble, pal!
[Cheif Wiggum releases some attack dogs to look for Milhouse]
Kirk Van Houten: Will they just find him... or will they find him and kill him?
Chief Wiggum: They'll find him, and, um... um...
Kirk Van Houten: Um, excuse me, you didn't answer my question. You just trailed off.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I did, didn't I?
Bret "The Hitman" Hart:
Eww. This place has got old man stink!
Mr. Burns: Ooh.
Waylon Smithers: Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.
Chief Wiggum: [answer
machine] 9-1-1. This better be good.
[Marge has just sliced off Homer's thumb]
Marge: I'm sorry!
Homer: Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge!
observing Barney's movie] Wow, I'll never drink another beer again.
Vendor: Beer here!
Homer: I'll take ten!
[at a cemetery]
Homer: I sure could go for a hot dog right about now...
Marge: Homer, we're at a funeral!
Hot Dog Vendor: Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here!
Marge: Do you follow my husband around?
Hot Dog Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college!
Lisa: Come to
Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB.
Bart: Hey, Homer, what's that B for?
Homer: That's a typo.
Chief Wiggum: All
right, where's Sideshow Bob and that guy who uh, eats people and takes their
Prisoner: I'm right here, Cheif!
Chief Wiggum: OK, then. Where's Sideshow Bob?
Prisoner: Eh, he ran off.
Chief Wiggum: Oh, great. Well, if anyone asks, I uh, beat him to death.
[reading from a bomb's casing]
Sideshow Bob: "Best before November 1959." Dammit, Bob. There were plenty of brand new bombs, but you had to go for that retro 50s charm.
Marge: You should
probably see a doctor about this...
Marge: [realizing] A competent doctor!
Homer: Wow, Barney!
You brought a whole beer keg!
Barney: Yeah... where do I fill it up?
[Buck's house is garnished with steakhouse paraphernalia]
Bart: Wow! It's like you're living in a steakhouse!
Buck McCoy: Why, thank you. Most people just mutter that.
Bart: Lis, can you
keep it down? I'm in the middle of a crank call here.
Principal Skinner: [on phone] Actually, my refrigerator *wasn't* running. You've saved me quite a bit of spoilage. Thank you, anonymous young man.
Smingers did it. Case closed. I'm going to the outhouse.
Lisa: But we don't have an outhouse.
Homer: AH! My toolshed!
Homer: Hello, I'd
like to speak to a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura.
Moe: Ura Snotball?
Homer: What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!
Moe: That's it,
Homer. I'm taking your caracature down from Mount Lushmore, and I'm pulling your
favorite song out of the jukebox.
Homer: It's Raining Men?
Moe: Yeah. Not no more it aint.
Homer: And I gave
that man directions, even though I didn't know the way, because that's the kind
of guy I am this week.
Ned Flanders: I'm a
Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's certainly done his homework.
Homer: See, the
great thing about animation is that you don't have to pay the actors squat.
Ned Flanders: [speaking in a different voice] But they can change them and no one would know the diddly-ifference.
along to the tune of Chumbawumba's "Tumpthumping"] I take a whiskey drink, I
take a coffee drink, and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink! I sing the
song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy!
Mr. Burns: I think
I'll donate a million dollars to charity... when pigs fly.
[both Burns and Smithers start laughing, a pig flies by their window]
Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
Mr. Burns: Eh, I'd still rather not.
Homer: And I got
this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet.
Sherri Bobbins: I can do everything from reading bedtime stories to
Grampa Simpson: Put me down for one of each.
Ned Flanders: Ho ho
ho, suckin' down the cider, uh? Hey, word to the wise --
[shows Homer a card]
Ned Flanders: season pass! It pays for itself after the sixteenth visit. You know, most people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple juice, but I do. Now here's a little trick to help you remember. If it's clear and yella', you've got juice there, fella! If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kinda tricky here...
Homer's Brain: You can stay, but I'm leaving.
[Homer's brain floats away]
Ned Flanders: ... can be yellow, if they're using late season apples. And, of course, in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped.
Marge: Careful of
that apple pie on the back seat...
Grampa Simpson: Uh-oh!
Marge: Grampa, are you sitting on the pie?
Grampa Simpson: I sure hope so!
Bart: Grampa, I need
some advice. Did you ever fall in love with an older woman?
Abe Simpson: I fell in love with the OLDEST woman! A hundred and twenty-four years old, she was! Here's a picture of her delivering Eubie Blake.
Bart: Wow! What happened?
Abe Simpson: She fell in with that Guinness Book of Records crowd; all of a sudden she didn't have time for me. Ohhh, I wore a fifteen-pound beard of bees for that woman, but it wasn't enough.
[Mr. Burns looks through a portfolio of his old stocks]
Mr. Burns: Hmm, let's see..."Confederated Slave holdings." How's that one holding up?
Ron Howard: Is
that... vodka... and wheat grass?
Homer: It's called a "lawnmower". I invented it. Want one?
Krusty's Assisstant: George Carlin on line two.
Krusty The Clown: [on phone] Lawsuit? Oh yeah? MY Seven Words You Cant Say On TV bit is completely different from YOUR Seven Words You Cant Say On TV bit. Oh yeah? Well, excuse me!
Krusty The Clown: Give him ten grand.
Krusty's Assisstant: Steve Martin on line two.
Krusty The Clown: Ten grand.
Homer: That's it!
You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college!
Bart: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.
Homer: Wait a
minute... there's something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian
bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap ladies!
Lesbian: What's her problem?
Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee
Mr. Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking. I want to take the pressure off. Now, it doesn't take a `whiz' to know that you're looking out for `Number One'. Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon.
Grampa Simpson: We
can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell
stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville.
I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what
they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was
the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days,
nickels had pictures of bumblebeeson 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd
say. Now where was I... oh yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion
tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions,
because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
Krusty The Clown: [while
recording talking doll voices] One. Hey hey, kids, I'm talking Krusty! Two.
Hey hey, kids! Here comes Slideshow Mel, I mean, Sideshow Mel. Four.
Krusty The Clown: Bada bing, bada boom. I'm done. Learn from the professionals, kid.
Technician: Uh... we're ready to roll, Krusty. Krusty?
Mr. Burns: For god
sakes, man! Use an open-faced club! The sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sand wedge...
Milhouse: Step over
this line and say that. I'll kick your butt...at Nintendo.
Dr. Nick: Instead of
making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes.
Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?
Marge: Well if
loving my kids is lame, then I guess I'm just a big lame.
is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.
Up yours, children.
[At the St. Patrick's Day Parade.]
Kent Brockman: All this drinking, violence, destruction of property...are these the things that we think of when we think of the Irish?
Nelson: Hey, I'm on
Homer: All right, to
find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders.
Homer's Brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o. And I wear the same stupid sweater every day...
[Bart finds Jay Sherman hanging from the roof by his
Bart: [laughs] You bad-mouthed MacGyver, din't you?
Chief Wiggum: Your
story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, um, Simpson. Let me just type it up on my
Homer: Fine. You don't have to humiliate me.
[leaves, a man enters carrying a blowtorch]
Man: I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again!
Chief Wiggum: Right. Let me just type that up on my invisible typewriter.
Chief Wiggum: Uh,
Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my god! He's dead?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, I'm sorry. He was DUI. I get those two confused.
[a woman walks in]
Woman: Uh, hi. My name is Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband was DUI?
Chief Wiggum: Uh...... talk to one of those officers over there. I'm going to lunch.
[on the trail of the cat burglar]
Chief Wiggum: What do you think of this, boys?
Eddie: Well, it doesn't look like anything, but if you move these two here, and this one here...
Eddie: It almost looks like an arrow.
Lou: And it's pointing to this station!
Chief Wiggum: Let's get out of here!
Now Homer, you can say anything here. There's no judgment.
Homer: The other day I was so desperate for a beer that I snuck in the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
Reverend Lovejoy: I cast thee out!
Chief Wiggum: All
right, come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that
says "Capricorn", and something with coconut on it.
Jay Sherman: Hey,
McBain! Your shoe's untied!
Rainer Wolfcastle: [after many hours pass] Upon closer inspection, these appear to be loafers.
[Apu reveals the entrance to his secret garden]
Lisa: Wow, a hidden staircase! But what do you do if someone wants a non-alcoholic beer?
Apu: You know, it's never come up...
Homer: And to think
I turned to a cult for mindless happiness when I had beer all along.
Homer: And you, Marge, the bringer of beer.
Marge: And punish
Lisa for lying to us.
Homer: All right, young lady! March yourself right down to the Quik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer!
Homer: Beer. Now
there's a temporary solution!
[Homer places Bart in front of a sexy billboard]
Homer: Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel?
Bart: I dunno. I kinda want a cigarette.
Homer: That's good. Let's get you a pack. What's your brand?
Bart: Anything slim!
Lou: It looks like
an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Are you kidding? That's like two blocks away.
Lou: It looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
Chief Wiggum: Officer proceeding on foot. Call in a code 8.
Lou: [on the radio] Pretzels. Repeat, we need pretzels.
[Grampa pays a visit]
Marge: Where are we going to put him?
Homer: Bart's room.
Lisa: Bart's room.
Marge: Bart's room.
Krusty The Clown:
Here's a feature never before seen on TV - dumb pet tricks. Catch the rubber
[the dog goes for Krusty's nose]
Krusty The Clown: AH! SOMEBODY SHOOT IT! SOMEBODY SHOOT IT!
Marge: How's Bart's
Lisa: Mom, the only thing Bart's tutoring is guerilla warfare in Shelbyville.
Marge: Come again?
Lisa: Mom, Bart went with a bunch of kids to go wage war on Shelbyville!
Marge: Homer, come quick! Bart quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!
[forming a vigilante group]
Homer: All right, I'll be Cue Ball. Barney can be Eight Ball, Lenny will be Twelve Ball, and Moe, you'll be Cue Ball.
Moe: You're an idiot.
Homer: You know
Bart, maybe it's just the concussion talking, but anyway you chose to live your
life is OK.
Lisa: He thinks you're gay.
Bart: He thinks I'm gay?
[Homer reads label on medicinal pot]
Homer: Caution, objects may apppear more edible than they actually are.
[Homer is listening to Lisa's sax]
Bart: Dad I though you didn't like her saxaphone.
Homer: I didn't, but now with Daddy's special medicine, which you must never use because it will ruin your life, lets Daddy see and hear magical things you will never experience, EVER!
Homer: Its been
three days and my mind is clearer, my sperm count is up and I'm able to
recognise simple shapes and patterns.
Lisa: Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.
Bart: As long as
you're doing things for me, will you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around
[Homer is teaching Succesful Marriage course]
Homer: Now what is a wedding, well Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as: the process of removing weeds from one's garden.
everyone, now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer thats supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around, you've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Incorrect Marge, two perfectly good jackets.
Mr. Burns: As
punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague!
[trying to get out of work]
Homer: Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get out of this?
Carl: He's at home on disability.
Lenny: Yeah, he got injured on the job and they just sent him home with pay. It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity.
Homer: Stupidity, eh?
Kent Brockman: "What
are you lookin' at?" - the innocent words of a drunken child.
[Upon receiving death threat letter written in blood]
Homer: Oh my God! Someone's trying to kill me! Oh, wait, it's for Bart.
Lisa: This is pretty
far to go just to spite Moe, isn't it?
Homer: It's not about spite, it's about petty revenge, and getting back at that traitor Moe.
wrong with this country? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered
Marge: Look at this
place! The house number is spelled out with letters!
Homer: Get used to it, honey. From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters.
Marge: The only
thing I asked you to do for this party was put on clothes, and you didn't do it.
Apu: The fact that I
cannot bowl wreaks havoc with my self-esteem too, hey, but who am I to complain?
[Moe is on a soap opera]
Moe: Cleo, you've brought music to my heart, but this relationship can never last. I mean, I'm a doctor and you're a 5000-year-old mummy I brought back to life.
[Homer throws pudding at Lenny's face]
Lenny: Ow, my eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!
thanks to our creative bookkeeping and corporate loopholes, we only pay about $3
in taxes a year.
Mr. Burns: $3? We're getting screwed!
Chief Wiggum: [after
pulling over Troy McClure] I'll tear this ticket up, but I'm, um, still
going to have to ask you for a bribe.
Apu: Nickel off on
expired baby food.
Grampa: Whenever I'm
confused, I just check my underwear!
[pulls out underwear]
Grampa: "Abe Simpson".
Lisa: How did you do that without removing your pants?
Grampa: I don't know.
Mr. Burns: Who the
devil are you?
Homer: [thinking] Don't panic. Just come up with a good story.
Homer: My name is Mr. Burns.
Apu: The aspirin is
Apu: I lowered the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.
Herb: [rings Simpsons' bell] Now, what do I do? I
mean, this is the guy who ruined me. Then again, he's my brother... So many
conflicting emotions. How to express them?
Homer: [opens door] Herb!
[Herb punches him in the face]
Homer: Oh well. At
least we'll die doing what we love: inhaling molten rock.
Mr. Burns: I'll have
my lunch now: a single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo
Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct--
Mr. Burns: Get going! And answer those phones, install a computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.
[Willy Thinking to himself.]
Willy: When your father goes ga ga you just use that "shinnin" to call me and I'll come a runnin' but DON'T be reading my mind between 4:00 and 5:00. That's Willy's time.
[After Springfield floods, Ned rides out of his garage on a
boat filled with animals.]
Ned Flanders: I've got two of every animal, but only males. Don't want any hanky panky.
[Some of the animals start making noise off-screen.]
Ned Flanders: Now cut that out!
[at Itchy & Scratchy Land]
Announcer: Attention Marge Simpson! Attention Marge Simpson! Your son has been arrested!
Woman: I'd be terribly embarrassed if I was that boy's mother.
Announcer: Attention Marge Simpson, we've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.
Homer: I've joined
the Naval Reserve!
Barney: I'm not going to let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too.
Moe: I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers, I'm joining, too.
Apu: Even though my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey.
[onboard a submarine]
Homer: Mr. Moe, prepare to surface.
Moe: You want to stop calling me Mr. Moe?
Homer: All right,
Marge. We'll get your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War
Recreation Society I love so much.
[cut to Moe's]
Moe: All right, Homer's out. We'll need a new General Ambrose Burnside.
Barney: I'm not too fond of our Stonewall Jackson, either.
Apu: The South shall COME AGAIN!
Marge Simpson: Lisa,
hello! How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is called a "lift", a
mile is called a "kilometer" and botulism is called "steak and kidney pie".
Homer: Well, he's
got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: A dinosaur!
Marge: I have
nothing to say to you.
Homer: But I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?
going to protect you?
Mayor Quimby: [points to Homer] HIM!
Marge: Homer, I don't think you were listening to what they just...
Homer: I said "WOO. HOO."
[Homer is drunk]
Homer: Have you ever seen that Blue Man Group? Total ripoff of the Smurfs! And the Smurfs, well, they SUCK!
[At an American embassy]
Homer: [points to guard] Hey, look! You're one of those guards like at Buckingham Palace! I can do whatever I want, and you can't do anything!
[starts dancing and pulling stupid faces]
Guard: [punches Homer in the face] No, sir! United States Marine Corps, sir!
Jimbo: Hey, there's
an even dorkier kid on the other side of town with an even better pool!
[all the kids jump out, leaving Lisa stood at the bottom of an empty pool]
Lisa: Hello? Hello? Oh, how am I gonna get out of here?
Lisa's Brain: Well, well, well... look who's come crawlin' back!
[Wiggum's car plunges into a landfill]
Chief Wiggum: And to think, those stupid environmentalists were protesting this landfill.
Homer: Solid waste! I could kiss you!
Homer: OOH, I think this was pizza...
Chief Wiggum: Oh my
god, somebody took a bite out of the giant rice krispy square! Oh, and the
waiter's been brutally beaten.
[Kent Brockman is covering a summer camp mutiny.]
Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, I've was at 'Nam, Korea and Kuwait, and I can say without fear of hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.
Lisa: I don't think
he couldn't do it.
Grampa Simpson: You'd be surprised at what people could do. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane. Last year, I proved myself wrong.
past Moe's] It's noon. That's usually when dad gets the brew shakes.
[Moe turns his bar into a comedy club]
Marge: Four drink minimum?
Homer: I'll cover you, honey.
"Dear Homer, I owe you one emergency donut. Signed, Homer."
[crumbles up paper]
Homer: Bastard! He's always one step ahead!
Homer: English side
ruined, must use French side......LE GRILLE? what the hell is that?
[prank calling Dean Peterson]
Homer: Hello, Dean? You're a stupidhead!
Dean Peterson: Homer, is that you?
[looks out window, sees Homer on a pay phone across the street]
Homer: [looks up, sees the Dean] AAH!
Frank Grimes: Can
you believe that guy? He fell asleep inside a radiation suit!
Lenny: He had three beers at lunch. That would make anyone sleepy.
[Homer and Marge go skinny dipping and Wiggum's helicopter
Chief Wiggum: Don't be alarmed! Continue swimming naked! Oh, come on! Continue!
Nelson: HA HA!
Milhouse: I think he's really hurt, Nelson.
Nelson: I said "HA HA".
Homer: Bart, if
foodstuffs should touch the ground, said foodstuffs shall be turned over to the
village idiot. Since I don't see him around, start shoveling!
[Homer has changed his to Max Power]
Homer: Kids! From now on there are three ways of doing things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!
Bart: Isn't that just the wrong way?
Homer: Yes, but faster.
[Homer walks into a cactus.]
Homer: Well, kids,
it's Valentine's Day! You know what that means?
Bart: We get to watch TV with the sound turned way up.
Lisa: What are you and mom going to be doing?
Homer: Oh, we're going to be upstairs, making love... ly rope ladders in case of a fire.
[Homer's reading a book about corporate success]
Homer: Tip #1- "Live every day as if it was your last". Done and done!
[cut to Homer sitting on a curb, crying]
Homer: I don't want to die! I'm so young!
Marge: Lisa, if you
want to tell this boy you're not interested, just tell him the truth.
Homer: And if that doesn't work- six magic words: 'I'm not gay but I'll learn'.
[trying to get into George Bush's house]
Homer: Hey, Bush! Get out here!
Clowns are funny.
I'm shavin' my shoulders.
[An African American man dressed like a Gangsta rapper stops
Bart in the hallway]
Man: Hey, this class is aces! You go from 'slopper' to 'proper' like!
[Rushes into the room where an old lady is teaching an etiquette class]
Old Lady: The proper gentlemen...
Bart: Etiquette class? But the guy outside said-
Old Lady: Are you accusing my husband of *misleading* you? Good gracious! I should bust a cap in your ass!
[Homer has given Bart a 'cursed' Krusty doll]
Grampa: That doll's evil I tells ya. Evil! EEEEVIL!!!
Marge: Grampa, you said that about all the toys!
Grampa: I just want attention.
Ned Flanders: They
were bigger than Jesus!
[Homer Is On Trial In The Court Of "Infernal Affairs"]
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night, the sound wasn't on, but I think I get the gist of it.
Principal Skinner: [over
intercom] Attention. All honor roll students will be rewarded by a trip to
an archaeological dig. Also, all detention students will be punished with a trip
to an archaeological dig.
Marge: Homer, Kang
is Maggie's father.
Homer: You intergalactic hussy!
Homer: Was he better than me?
'Inflammable' means flammable? What a country!
[Homer is in a car with hippies Seth and Munchie. Marge is
walking down the street]
Homer: Hi Marge. We're freaking out squares.
Marge: Oh, Lord...
Homer: What's in your brand new bag, momma?
Marge: Oh, it's that pair of Dockers you wanted. Forty-eight waist with the balloon seat, right?
Homer: [panicking] Marge, not in front of the hippies!
[Seth and Munchie laugh]
Chief Wiggum: [speaking
on megaphone] Attention hippies! Come out peacefully so we can smash your
drug mill and all your worldly possessions!
[Homer has to write his full name on an application form but
he doesn't know what his middle initial stands for.]
Bart: Uh, so Dad, regarding that form, why not just make up a middle name?
Lisa: You might as well. You already made up a phony film credit.
Homer: No! Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form. He never has and he never will.
Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies. The point is, I'm a grown man, and I deserve a middle name.
[Homer dies after eating a piece of broccoli]
Homer: Saint Peter! Woo hoo! Got to heaven before you, Flanders!
[wiggles his butt at Earth below]
[educational film: "The Meat Council Presents... Meat and
You: Partners in Freedom. Number 3F03 in the 'Resistance is Useless' series."]
Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such educational films as "Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun" and "Firecrackers: The Silent Killer".
Agnes Skinner: 'Nuff
talk, it's smashin' time!
Homer: I'm a
Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world!
Lisa: Cheer up, Dad.
Did you know the Chinese use the same word for 'crisis' as they do for
Homer: Yes! Crisitunity!
[Homer has joined a crew of "lost souls"]
Woman: We wander the seven seas trying to forget.
Homer: Forget what?
Englishman: Oh, boy, here we go.
Woman: My story of jilted love is long and bittersweet. If anyone has to go to the bathroom, go now. I don't want you walking around during my story.
Englishman: My story's better, it has tigers!
Ed Begley, Jr.: I
prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go cart, powered by my
own sense of self-satisfaction.
Marge: Ooh! I never
knew Jim Belushi made so many movies!
Homer: Yeah, isn't it amazing? They're filming one right now in the bathroom. It's gonna be on towards the end of the flight.
[a camera crew films Jim Belushi walking down the aisle]
Belushi: Toga! Toga! Toga 2000!
Homer: Marge! They stole my idea!
Homer: Well, I've
always been a firm believer in the three R's. Reading TV Guide, um... Writing to
TV Guide, um... and Renewing TV Guide.
Homer: If you don't
start making more sense, we're going to have to put you in a home.
Grampa: You already put me in a home.
Homer: Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes!
Grampa: [cowering] I'll be good.
Tonight on Eye on Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years!
Man: [hic!] Kill me!
Man: Kill me!
Marge: Homer, I'd
like to talk to you.
Homer: But then I won't be watching TV!
the monkey's paw] I wish for world peace.
[a finger on the paw closes]
Homer: Lisa, that was very selfish of you!
Troy McClure: I'm
actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such TV series as "Buck
Henderson, Union Buster" and "Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory".
Today I'm here to tell you about "Spiffy!", the 21st century stain remover.
Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
Dr. Nick Riviera: Thank you, Troy! Hi, everybody!
Crowd: Hi, Dr. Nick!
Bart] Hey, Simpson, where's your Losermobile?
Homer: Losermobile, heh heh heh... wait a minute!
Woman: We're having
a free get acquainted session at our resort this weekend.
Homer: How much is this free resort weekend?
Man: It's free!
Homer: And when *is* this weekend?
Man: It's this weekend.
Homer: Uh-huh, and how much does it cost?
Man: Um, it's free.
Homer: I see, and when is it?
Man: It's this weekend.
Homer: And what are you *charging* for this free weekend?
Lunchlady Doris: Yon
meat, 'tis sweet as summer's wafting breeze.
Homer: Can I have some?
Lunchlady Doris: Mine ears are only open to the pleas of those who speak ye olde English.
Homer: Sweet maiden of the spit, grant now my boon, that I might sup on suckling pig this noon.
Lunchlady Doris: Whatever.
Homer: OK, Marge,
I'll plan everything: we can have the reception at Moe's. Wait! Why not have the
whole wedding there? We'll do it on a Monday morning. There'll be fewer drunks.
Mayor Quimby: You
can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes women appear more
attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.
Helen Lovejoy: Oh!
Helen Lovejoy: Won't somebody please think of the children?
Homer: Ooh, it's
been St. Patrick's Day for hours, and I'm still not drunk yet!
Moe: I've been
called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly.
Moe: It's like my
dad always said: eventually, everybody gets shot.
[Homer has just performed the good deed he needs to get into
Homer: There, did you see that?
Saint Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't looking.
Homer: I thought you guys were always watching!
Saint Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.
Bart: Hey dad, heard
you swearing. Mind if I join in? Crap, boobs, crap!
Manjula: Oh, little
Maggie, aren't you cute with your little bow.
Marge: Maggie loves baby talk.
Manjula: That was Hindi.
Bart: Well, Milhouse.
Ready to imitate that Jackass show?
Milhouse: The disclaimers make me want to do it more.
[Homer has just been shot]
Lisa: You know, Dad, that's probably something you should go to the hospital for.
Homer: After pie.
Homer: Oh, I've
eaten eight different meats. I am a true renaissance man!
[takes a huge bite of pork]
Lisa: I'll go to the first aid tent and tell them to plug in ye olde stomach pump.
Marge] You know, I've had a lot of jobs... boxer, mascot, astronaut,
imitation Krusty, baby-proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic,
conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the
mayor, country western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer,
inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune
cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe and missionary. But
protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.
Mr. Burns: What are
you doing in my corpse hatch?!
Bart: Mr. Burns, you're under arrest for murder!
Mr. Burns: I mean...what are you doing in my 'innocence tube'?
[Bart and Homer are about to race their horse]
Homer: Don't worry. I've seen enough of the "Horse Whisperer" to know how to win a race.
Homer: [whispers to horse] When you're on the race track, run really fast.
Barney: Now they're
going to show my movie.
Lisa: You made a movie?
Barney: I made a movie? No wonder I was on the cover of 'Entertainment Weekly'!
[A Lady compliments Barney's movie.]
Barney: You're very kind!
Lady: Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die?
Barney: It didn't die!
Larry Burns: This
place is emptier than a Scottish pay toilet!
Homer: What does the
I stand for?
Tour Guide: Important.
Homer: Ah. And the V?
Tour Guide: Very.
Homer: One more question...
Tour Guide: Person.
Homer: I see. What's the I stand for again?
Homer: I'm the piano
genius from the movie Shine.
Guard: Uh-huh. What's your name?
Homer: Er... Shiny McShine?
Apu is shot.]
Apu: Ah! The searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you! I mean, I think I'm dying.
Bart: Milhouse! You
were supposed to be the night watchman!
Milhouse: I was watching. First it started falling over, then it fell over.
Bart: Wow, I wonder where all the rats are going to go...
[the rats run over to Moe's]
Moe: All right, everybody tuck your pants into your socks!
Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!
Lionel Hutz: Mrs.
Simpson, your sexual harassment suit is exactly what I need to help rebuild my
shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
Marge: But it's only 9:30 in the morning!
Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days.
Lisa: I still
believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't excuse what I did.
I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.
Homer: That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.
Marge: There's no
shame in being a pariah.
[On working at the DMV.]
Patty: Some days we don't let the line move at all.
Selma: Yeah, we call those WEEKdays.
Homer: Marge, old
people don't need excitement. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be
determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal
Kent Brockman: I've
said it before, and I'll say it again: democracy just doesn't work!
Bart: I've said it
before, and I'll say it again...aye carumba!
Lisa: Dad, what's a
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man...
Homer: So to answer your question, I don't know.
Lisa: As you know,
we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We agree that getting
our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you should know that your
refusal will result in months and months of...
Bart, Lisa: CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
Homer: Alcohol, the
cause of and solution to all life's problems.
Billy Corgan: Billy
Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
Lou: I went to the
McDonalds over in Shelbyville the other day.
Chief Wiggum: The Mc-what?
Lou: Yeah, I never heard of it either but they say they have over 2000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Hmm...Must've sprung up over night.
Lou: But you know, its the little differences.
Chief Wiggum: Example?
Lou: Well at a McDonalds you can get a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: Get out! What do they call it?
Lou: A quarter pounder with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: Quarter pounder with cheese...well I can see the cheese but? Hey, do they have Krusty's Partially Gelatinated Gum-Based beverages?
Lou: Yeah, they call them 'shakes.'
Eddie: *Pfft* 'Shakes.' You don't know what you're gettin'.
Krusty The Clown:
This I don't need.
Marge: I'm afraid
we're going to need a bigger house.
Homer: No, we won't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib and Bart'll sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think her name is Mother Shabubu now.
Robot 1: Hey, these
cards are mine.
Robot 2: Now look what you've done.
Robot 1: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
Robot 3: Let's forget this whole thing happened.
Homer: What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody!
[Homer smashes a bottle on a robot's head. The robots begin to shoot Homer, who dives under a table]
Marge: What is it with you and robots?
They're only pretending to be your friends because of the pool.
Lisa: Shut up, brain! I don't need you any more, I'm popular now!
Milhouse: Bart, I
don't want you to see me cry.
Bart: Aw come on, I see you cry all the time. You cry when you scrape your knee, you cry when we're out of chocolate milk, you cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.
Milhouse: Well, I didn't want you to see me cry THIS time.
Homer: I don't need
your pity or your money.
Ron Howard: Usually when you say that, you give the money back!
[Homer has been thrown out of an all-you-can-eat restaurant
for eating too much.]
Lionel Hutz: This is the most blatant case of false advertising since my suit against the movie The Neverending Story!
Homer: So, do you think I have a case?
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I don't use the word 'hero' lightly, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
Bart: Leonard Nimoy?
What are you doing here?
Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.
Bart: [flippantly] Uh-huh.
Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.
Mulder: Mr. Simpson,
we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
Homer: The evening began at the gentlemen's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy?
[The Be-Sharps perform on a building rooftop]
George Harrison: It's been done.
Mr. Burns: A
lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow...
and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
Mark Hamill: Hey,
pal, that's my face up there next to the pepper steak, and don't you forget it.
Louie: You're all talk, Hamill! You never even finished Jedi school!
Willy: Don't be hard
on the wee boy. His father is going to ga-ga and chop 'em all into haggis.
Bart: What's haggis?
Willy: You read my mind boy. You've got the shinning!
Bart: You mean "shining"?
Willy: Shh! You want to get sued?
Homer: The only
monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him
Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
Homer: God bless
[Bart & Lisa are reading a magazine at the Kwik-E-Mart.]
Apu: Hey, hey, this is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing put it down or I'll blow your heads off!
[George Washington appears in Lisa's dream, urging her to
reveal the truth about the town's founder. Lisa wakes up yelling:]
Lisa: I want to help you, George Washington!
Bart: [walking by her room] "I want to help you... George Washington"? Man, even your dreams are square.
Bart: As God as my
witness, I WILL pass the fourth grade!
Homer: And if you don't pass, you'll be bigger than the other kids.
Homer: Weaseling out
of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals...
except the weasel.
Mr. Burns: You're
Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm gonna sue the pants off of you.
Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.
Mr. Burns: Thank
you, come again. Smithers, release the hounds.
Rev. Lovejoy: And
now, let's rise for our opening hymn "In The Garden Of Eden" by I. Ron
[as the song is playing]
Rev. Lovejoy: Hey, wait a minute... this looks like rock and/or roll.
Homer: Got any of
that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.
Homer: Hit me!
Homer: Hit me!
Homer: Hit me!
[The Simpsons have accidentally built a barn from a pool kit]
Homer: Alright, everybody in the pool!
Amish Farmer: 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English.
[After Homer runs over a deer]
Marge: A deer!
Lisa: A female deer!
Homer: But wait. You
can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson.
Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?
Homer: Uh... actually my name is Barney. Barney Gumble.
Mr. Burns: Bad
corpse! Stop... scaring... Smithers!
Marge: I'm sure
you'll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is be yourself.
Lisa: Be myself? I've been myself for eight years and it hasn't worked.
Bart: You lie like a
fly with a booger in its eye.
Homer: [laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake!
[Lisa and Mr. Burns are collecting cans at the beach.]
Mr. Burns: You mean there are actually people who will pay good money for garbage?
Lisa: Not good money, really. Each can'll get you a nickel.
Mr. Burns: Ooh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel... with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the polo grounds.
Lisa: [unimpressed] There's a can.
Chief Wiggum: Oh,
man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and
family like so many juggling balls... two, I suppose.
[Burns learns about the stock market crash of 1929]
Mr. Burns: Oh no! Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash?
Smithers: Well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born!
Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything!
Lisa: Solitude never
hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most
beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.
Homer: I saw this in
a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over
fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The
Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
Lisa: I'm studying
for the math fair. If I win, I'll get a brand new protractor.
Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.
Mulder: Look at
this, Scully: there has been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the
heartland of America. We've got to get there right away.
Scully: Well, gee Mulder, there's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.
Mulder: I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that.
Lisa: I like him!
He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical
Homer: [walking by] My ears are burning.
Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.
Homer: God is
teasing me! Just like he teased Moses in the desert!
Marge: *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.
Moe: Call this an
unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
Moe: I've been
planning this vacation for years. I'm finally going to see Easter Island.
Homer: Oh, right, with the giant heads.
Moe: With the what now?
This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants,
designed to take away the money of fools. Now let's say the Lord's Prayer 40
times, but first, let's pass the collection plate!
Kang: Holy fleurking
Kang: Oh, you look
lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?
...and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night.
On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
Marge: Homer, the
plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!
[After Homer turns on the Christmas lights.]
Bart: It's craptacular.
Marge: Bart, stop
Mr. Burns: Smithers,
for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut!
Children, I couldn't help monitoring you conversation. There's no mystery about
Willy. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this
Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Oooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
[Homer looks puzzled.]
Shopkeeper: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
[Bart's looking for his dog.]
Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt -- and I 'ate 'im!
Willy: I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'! So I gave 'im to the church.
Bart: Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.
Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug.
Willy: Ya heard me!
Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
Grampa Simpson: Flu?
Grampa Simpson: Protein deficiency?
Grampa Simpson: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
Grampa Simpson: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N -- yes. But please, don't you say that word!
Grampa Simpson: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.
Chief Wiggum: All
right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is _not_ something that happens
overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
Man: Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns?!
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name.
Man: I've have it up to here with your "rules"!
Homer: I don't have
to be careful! I have a gun!
Mr. Burns: We don't
have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer: [thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer: [thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer: [thinking] My God! He *is* coming onto me!
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.
Mr. Burns: [wink]
Homer: [thinking] Aaaaaagh!
Homer: Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!
[Bart doing a newscast on a kids news show.]
Bart: Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a discovery: the ducks were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people think Joe used to sit down there near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room, in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks.
[Homer lies in a drunken heap.]
Marge: I've never been so embarrassed in my life!
Homer: Why, what did you do?
Barney: I'm Barney
Gumble, and I'm and alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting.
Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit that you have a problem!
Homer: Here are your
messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes to
move your car." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a
cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."
My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R, my baloney has a second name, it's
Marge: I think we're
going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's room and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.
Bleedin' Gums Murphy:
My friends call me Bleeding Gums.
Lisa: Eww, how'd you get a name like that?
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist?
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Not me. I suppose I should go to one. But I've already got enough pain in my life as it is.
Marge: Bart's such a
handful, and Maggie needs attention, but all the while, our little Lisa's
becoming a young woman.
Homer: Oh, so that's it, this is some kind of underwear thing.
Bleedin' Gums Murphy:
The blues isn't about feeling better. It's about making other people feel WORSE,
and making a few bucks while you're at it.
[Homer is applying for a job as a department store Santa
Manager: Do you like children?
Homer: What do you mean, all the time? Even when they're nuts?
Bart: I'm Bart
Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Marge: So Mr King,
what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now?
Steven King: Actually, I'm taking a break from horror for the time being.
Marge: Oh, that's too bad.
Steven King: At the moment I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He was a fascinating man who discovered electricity, and used it to torture children and green mountain men. And that key he tied to a kite - it opened the gates to Hell!
Marge: Well, when you go back to horror will you let me know?
Steven King: Will do.
Lisa: What, Aunt
Patty: Oh, nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father.
Lisa: Well, I wish you wouldn't, because, aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me, and I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.
Patty: Mm hm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.
Mr. Burns: This
anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I
were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
Homer: Okay, now
look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father
some love and/or respect.
Lisa: Tough choice.
Bart: I'm picking respect.
Homer: Sometimes I
think we're the worst family in town.
Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.
[Lisa takes Bart to the library.]
Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books!
Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them.
Bart: Oh. Heh heh. Gotcha.
Lisa: I want you to
shut off the logical part of your mind.
Lisa: Embrace nothingness.
Bart: You got it.
Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone.
Lisa: Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm talking about!
Lisa: Well, it's very frustrating!
Bart: I'll bet.
Homer: Son, about
last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably
don't understand why.
Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Dog Training Teacher:
[To Santa's Little Helper] You son of a bitch!
[Lisa has received an academic alert that she is failing gym
Marge: Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder.
Homer: Whew! That's all of 'em.
[puts stack of academic alerts in front of Bart]
Homer: And I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How about a present, son?
Bart: Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates.
Homer: Done and done.
Lisa: That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out?
Homer: [sitting back] Ah, the mysteries of life.
Bart: I am through
with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.
Bart: You know why
these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the kids who wear them get *beaten up*.
Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.
Homer: Your mother
has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Eh, somewhere in the back.
Ned Flanders: Sorry
to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just
told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.
Rev. Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it? Asparagus?
Ned Flanders: No, no, Reverend. The point is, he said a bad word!
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible.
Ned Flanders: Where in the Bible?
Rev. Lovejoy: Uh... page 900.
[quickly hangs up]
Moe: Yeah, you said
Marge: Homer, I
think the baby's coming.
Homer: Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life?
Dr. Hibbert: Homer,
I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
Homer: Say it in English, Doc.
Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open-heart surgery.
Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?
Homer: Kids, kids.
I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.
Mr. Burns: Who is
that fireband, Smithers?
Smithers: That's Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.
Lisa: Dad, is it all
right to take things from people you don't like?
Homer: Sure it is, honey. You *do* mean stealing, don't you?
Homer: I'll never
wiggle my bare butt in public again.
Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.
like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?
Smithers: If *you* did it, sir?
Homer: Whoa, careful
now. These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower-middle-class types. So avoid
eye contact, watch your pocketbook, and suspect everyone.
Snake: Three card monte!
Homer: Woo hoo! Easy money!
Chief Wiggum: What
IS your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?
Homer: So I says,
blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.
Chief Wiggum: See ya
in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya; otherwise, I got no case
and you'll go scot-free.
[While operating on Homer.]
Dr. Nick: [singing] The kneebone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch. ...Uh oh.
Dr. Nick: Seriously,
baby, I can prescribe anything I want.
Bart: Hey Homer,
this house sucks!
Homer: Bart, I told you to never use that word! Call me Daddy.
[Lisa fears a new girl in school is more talented than she.]
Marge: Believe me, honey. She's more scared of you than you are of her.
Lisa: You're thinking of bears, mom.
Lisa: Relax? I can't
relax! Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God, I'm losing
my perspicacity! Aaaaa!
Homer: Well, it's always in the last place you look.
Move your car woman!
Mrs. Krabappel: Go cry to your mommy about it.
Principal Skinner: Don't worry, she'll hear about this.
Dr. Hibbert: We
don't believe fur is murder, but paying for it sure is!
Bart: What a day,
eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex
with them -- as is my understanding...
George Washington: We had quitters during the Revolution too. . . we
called them Kentuckians.
Moe: Hey, I don't
need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on
Grampa Simpson: Yeah - "All Quiet on the Western Front"!
Alien: I bring you love!
Larry: It's bringing love, don't let it get away!
Carl: Break its legs!
Lisa: No! Wait!
[Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns]
Willy: Argh! It's a monster! Kill it, kill it!
Smithers: No, stop! It's not a monster, it's Mr Burns!
Willy: Ahhh, it's Mr Burns. Kill it, kill it!!
Bart: Dad, I think I
need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
Homer: Do I have to sit up?
Homer: Knock yourself out.
Homer: If he didn't
steal the church collection plate money, why is he wearing those fancy clothes?
Marge: Those were the clothes he wore to church!
Homer: Oooooh, how convenient.
Judge: Mr. Hutz, are you aware you're not wearing any pants?
Lionel Hutz: Uh, your Honor, can I call for one of those bad trial thingys?
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: Yeah...that's why you're the judge, and I am the law.. talkin'...guy.
[Homer, feeling behind the couch for a peanut he dropped,
finds a twenty dollar bill instead.]
Homer: Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Milhouse: It started
out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended in tragedy.
Apu: Silly customer,
you cannot hurt a Twinkie!
Homer: I am so
smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!
Bart: Ooohh, my
Lisa: The remorse of the sugar junkie.
Homer: Hey, we
didn't have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.
Comic Book Guy: Last
night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest
assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust
throughout the world.
[Kicking Walt Whitman's tombstone.]
Homer: I! Hate! You! Walt! Freaking! Whitman! "Leaves of Grass," my ass!
Lisa: I am the
Lisa: Why do I have
the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?
Willy: There's nary
an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman!
Homer: I like my
beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fa-laaaaming.
[Homer and Apu on a quest through the Himalayas to get Apu's
Apu: There it is, the world's first convenience store.
Homer: This isn't very convenient.
Apu: Must you knock on everything we do?
[Flash-forward to Lisa's wedding]
Homer: Little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know, I always felt you were the best thing my name ever got attached to. Ever since the time you learned to pin your own diapers, you've been smarter than me.
Lisa: Oh, Dad...
Homer: No, no, let me finish. I just want you to know I've always been proud of you. You're my greatest accomplishment, and you did it all yourself. You taught me to understand my own life better, and made me a better person, but you're still my daughter, and I don't think anyone has ever had a better daughter than --
Lisa: Dad, you're babbling.
Homer: See? You're still helping me.
Homer: Hey boy!
Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grampa Simpson: I'll play catch with you!
Homer: Go home.
normally, I would say that you should stand up for what you believe in, but
you've been doing that an awful lot lately...
Bart: Yeah, you made us march in that gay rights parade.
Homer: And we cant watch Fox because they own those chemical weapons plants in Syria.
Homer: Maybe, just
once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
Homer: Son, when you
participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk
Homer: Lisa, if you
don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really
half-assed? That's the American way.
Homer: Homer no
function beer well without.
Homer: Kids, just
because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.
Homer: Oh, yeah,
what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in
their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
Homer: Kids, you
tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer: It's not easy
to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in
eight hours of TV a day.
Homer: Are you
saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
Marge: Do you want
your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
beating up a Homer dummy] Who's the sociopath, now?!
Homer: But every
time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I
took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
Give me the number for 911!
Lenny: Hey, Homer?
What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're
Homer's Brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's Brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here.
[Sound FX: step step step step step... slam]
Homer: Okay, brain.
You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and
then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
Homer: Now son, a
beer is a lot like a woman. They smell good, they look good, and you'd step over
your own mother just to get one!
Homer: But you cant stop there... you got to have another woman!
Homer: And another!
[10 beers later]
Homer: And so I says "Yeah? You wanna rip..."
Homer's Brain: Use
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
Homer: When I first
heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and
zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like
that movie -- Police Academy.
Marge: Homer, did
you call the audience "chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this Bible!
Marge: That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
Lisa: Dad, we did
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk
and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign
Homer: Thy bidding will be done.
[munch munch munch]
Homer: What's the
point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.
[A rock flies through Mr. Burns' office window]
Mr. Burns: Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
[Speaking about the skeleton she found]
Lisa: It could be a mutant from the power plant.
Mr. Burns: That's preposterous, everyone knows our mutants have flippers -- oops, I've said too much. Smithers, get the amnesia ray.
Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Mr. Burns: Yes, and be sure to wipe your mind clear when you're done as well.
Bart: Oh my God! The
dead have risen and are voting Republican!
Kang: We must move
forward... not backwards, not to the side, not forwards, but always whirling,
whirling, whirling towards freedom!
[While watching a faculty talent show]
Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.
Maude Flanders: They
were having S-E-X in front of C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!
Krusty The Clown: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!
Lisa: Oh, if I fail
I won't even be able to get into Vassar.
Homer: I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady.
Up and at them.
Dialogue coach: No, "Up and atom".
Ranier Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
Dialogue coach: Up and *atom*!
Ranier Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
Dialogue coach: [frustrated] Better.
Bart: Hey, mouse!
Say "cheese!". With dry cool wit like that, I could be an action hero!
[Ralph is lying in bed]
Ralph Wiggum: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.
Chief Wiggum: You'll wear 'em till you learn, son.
You've mastered a dead tongue. Now can ya handle a live one?
[Whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his
car, drives away, and sings to the tune of "The Flintstones"]
Homer: Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history! From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH!
[runs into a chestnut tree]
Mr. Burns: Officers,
arrest the baby!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right. No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Well, maybe Texas.
his acceptance speech] I've learned that I have a gift to share with the
world. From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumbel; Clean, sober, and hardworking.
Mayor Quimby: Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your prize - a lifetime supply of Duff Beer.
Barney: Just stick it in my veins!
a shotgun] To the book depository!
[In a comic book store]
Milhouse: I need a mask to hide my face. What have you got for five dollars?
Comic Book Guy: For a paltry five dollars all I can offer you is a mask from the discount bin. You have your choice of Richard Nixon or Bart Simpson.
Milhouse: Why do you have masks of Bart?
Comic Book Guy: One came free with every box of Bart Simpson action figures.
Milhouse: Why does Bart have his own action figures?
Comic Book Guy: They were a marketing tie-in with the comic book.
Milhouse: Why does Bart have a comic book?!
Comic Book Guy: Your questions have become more redundant and annoying then the last three "Highlander" movies.
Marge: C'mon, Homer,
Japan will be fun. You like Rashoman.
Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo!
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi! He's in my book club!
[Comic Book visits a dating service and grabs all the one-nighter
Clerk: Are you going to call all those women?
Comic Book Guy: No, the tapes will do just fine.
Bart: Here Homer I
got you this book "Chicken Soup for the Loser".
Homer: Hmmm is it any good?
Bart: I don't know but it inspired Bill Buckner to open a chain of Laundromats.
Comic Book Guy: Yes,
I would like to return your quote-unquote *ultimate* belt.
Clerk: I see. Do you a receipt, quote-unquote sir?
Comic Book Guy: No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at a Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no need of a medium-size belt.
Clerk: Wow, a fat sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies... gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but no receipt, no return.
Bart: I'll give you four bucks for it.
Comic Book Guy: Very well. I must get back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than receive them.
Agnes Skinner: You
failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?
[Kodos and Kang appear at The Simpsons' door]
Homer: Oh no, Mormons!
Kang: Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.
Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like you.
Homer: I like you.
Drill Sergeant: Well, I don't like you.
Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better.
[Bart has an earring]
Bart: Come on, Homer, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were my age?
Homer: Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different!
Homer: Two hours?
Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there!
Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.
Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute
express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three
days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trailhand could
spend a month's pay in three minutes.
Homer: Three minutes!
Marge: I never realized history was so filthy!
[Homer is a Blackjack dealer]
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond.
James Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer.
[Homer deals Bond a card.]
James Bond: Joker? You're supposed to take these out of the deck.
Homer: Oh, sorry, I'll give you another one.
[Homer deals Bond another card.]
James Bond: What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"?
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond...
[Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him.]
James Bond: But... but wait! It was Homer's fault. I can't lose! I never lose!
[Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino.]
James Bond: At least tell me your plans for world domination!
Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Oh ho ho, I'm not falling for THAT one again.
[Homer tries to call the nuclear power plant]
Voice on Phone: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.
Homer: Look, all I'm
saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going through their garbage and
saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves
Chief Wiggum: They
only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.
Ralph Wiggum: Me
fail English? That's unpossible!
[Homer is using butter as a pencil holder.]
Marge: Is that my butter?
Homer: Can't talk -- taking memo.
[Licks tip of pencil as if about to write.]
Homer: Mmmmm... delicious.
Bart: I think
sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been
hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway.
Moe: They think
they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without
[Homer dials the Flanders', who have taken his kids into
Voice on Phone: The number you have dialed can no longer be reached on this phone. You negligent monster.
[Looking at Uruguay on a map]
Homer: Heehee! Look at this country! "You are gay."
[Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison]
Homer: No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.
[At Apu's wedding.]
Marge: Thanks for helping us out, Reverend. I know you've never performed a Hindu ceremony before.
Rev. Lovejoy: Well, Christ is Christ.
Leonard Nimoy: Good
evening, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And
by true I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies, so in the
end, isn't that the truth? The answer is "no."
Homer: How about it
Bart, would you like a new backyard BBQ pit?
Bart: Can I burn evidence in it?
Homer: We can *all* burn evidence in it.
Astra: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art." It could be
by a mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee!
Lisa: Dad, just for
once don't you want to try something new?
Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
[At her first Broadway show.]
Marge: You know, when I was a girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience.
[Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket.]
Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine".
Guard: And your name is...?
Homer: Uhh... Shiney McShine.
[Why he prefers the original "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."]
Homer: At least that Jimmy Stewart version had that giant rabbit who ran the Savings & Loan.
Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who
doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.
Marge: Only your
father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target
of international assassins.
[Bart talking about his new school uniforms]
Bart: Mo-o-om! My slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart, where did you pick up words like that.
Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night! That just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Homer: Sorry, Moe, gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.
Bart & Lisa: [shouting] We are not wiener kids!
Homer: Then why are you wearing those dorky uniforms? Hmmmm...?
Moe: People today
are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high
school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.
Guard at Itchy & Scratchy Land: There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here
at Itchy and Scratchy Land, we're just as concerned with violence as you are.
That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem, so
that we may educate as well as horrify.
Marge: When do you show the consequences? On TV, that mouse pulled out that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe, but in the next scene, the cat was breathing comfortably!
Guard at Itchy & Scratchy Land: Just like in real life.
Mr. Burns: Next!
Barney: Next there
gonna show my movie.
Bart: You made a movie ?
Barney: I made a movie? I wonder why there was a picture of me on the cover of entertainment weekly.
Kent Brockman: What
started out as a traditional soccer riot has quickly escalated into a city-wide
orgy of destruction. Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby declared "mob rule", meaning
for the next several years, it's every family for themselves...
Radio DJ: All right,
this next song is dedicated to Bart Simpson, with the message "I am coming to
kill you slowly and painfully!"
[Wipe Out begins playing]
Lisa: It seems every
week the Simpsons go through a situation like this. My suggestion is to just
ride it out, make the occasional smart-aleck quip, and next week, we'll return
right to where we were, ready for another wacky adventure!
Bart: Aye carumba!
Lisa: That's the spirit!
Sideshow Bob: [after
his demands are met] Yes! They're giving in!
Sideshow Bob: Blast! I should've made more demands! Maybe next time....
Kent Brockman: What
began as a traditional soccer riot has escalated into a city-wide orgy of
destruction. Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby declared Mob Rule. So for the next
several years, it's every family for themselves.
Lisa: It seems every
week the Simpsons go through a situation like this. My suggestion is to just
ride it out, make the occasional smart-aleck quip, and next week, we'll return
right to where we were, ready for another wacky adventure!
Bart: Aye carumba!
Lisa: That's the spirit!
Kent Brockman: What
started as a traditional soccer riot has escalated into a city-wide orgy of
destruction. Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby declared "Mob Rule", meaning that,
for the next several years, it's every family for themselves!
Mel Gibson: John
Travolta flew me over in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He
deliberately waited until we were in the air to ask me.
[In the car on the way to Florida]
Lisa: Mom, Bart's sitting next to me!
Bart: Mom, Lisa's growing!
Marge: Quiet, you two! You know your father's just had a breakdown.
Homer: My pockets hurt.
[Homer just beat Michelangelo's David in fooz ball]
Homer: You lose, Michelangelo's David! Whose next?
Homer: I'd like your
deadliest gun please.
Clerk: Aisle 6- Next to the sympathy cards.
[Homer and his band are performing a 4th of July concert in
New York City]
Homer: This next song is dedicated to a very special lady. She's 100 years old and weighs over 200...tons.
Fan: This enormous lady will devour us all.
[Screams and jumps into the ocean]
Homer: I meant the statue!
Homer: When will you
people learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment and things have
never been better. The streets are safe, old people strut confidently trough the
darkest alleys and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming
abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, for as the Bible
tells us, "Let your children run wild and free."
Homer: If they can
send a man to the moon, why can't they make my shoes smell good?
Mark Hamill: Hey
everybody. I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here to talk about
Sprint. As you can see here, you can save up to three times more than the more
Audience: Talk about Star Wars!
Homer: Shut up you stupid nerds, he's trying to save you money on long distance calls.
Homer: Oh, they have
the Internet on computers now.
Homer: Marge, you're
my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a world of make-believe.
With flowers and bells and leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats.
Lisa: I'm so glad
you're home. Bart's acting funny.
Homer: "Ray J" funny or "O.J." funny?
Bart: Why would
anyone want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace!
Marge: You awful,
awful man! Stay away from my son!
Sideshow Bob: [menacing] I'll stay away. Stay away... FOREVER!
Homer: Oh, no!
Sideshow Bob: Wait. That's no good.
[walks away, then runs back]
Sideshow Bob: I've got a good one now. Marge, say "stay away from my son" again!
Homer: Son, I just
want you to know I have total faith in you.
Bart: Since when?
Homer: Since your mother yelled at me.
Rev. Lovejoy: I
remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. Who came to earth... and then
died... only to be brought back to life again. And his name was: E.T., the
extra-terrestrial. I love that little guy.
Lionel Hutz: And as
for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the
state. Often as a lawyer.
Homer: Yeah, that
Timmy O'Tool is a real hero.
Lisa: How so dad?
Homer: Well... he fell in a well... and he can't get out.
Lisa: How does that make him a hero?
Homer: Well it's more then you've done.
Bart: Aren't we
forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
Insurance Agent: Now this place you were at, Moe's, is this a business
of some sort?
Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar! But what else is open at night?
Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
Homer: God, if you
really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick...
Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but...
Homer: Mmm, sacrilicious.
Moe: I'm better than
dirt! Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't
compete with that stuff.
Bart: George Burns
was right: show biz is a horrible bitch goddess.
Lisa: Face it, Bart,
Sideshow Bob has changed.
Bart: No he hasn't! He's more the same than ever!
[observing the farm's green glow after Homer put toxic
chemicals on it]
Marge: It's eerily beautiful. Are you sure it's safe?
Homer: You know what they say - sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.
Marge: Where'd you get that from?
Homer: From the producers of "Waiting To Exhale".
Chief Wiggum: Fat
Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the... uh... what
Faith: Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley, Patriotism editor of Reading Digest.
Homer: Oh I love your magazine! My favorite section is "How to increase your word power." That thing is really, really, really... good.
Homer: It's like
David and Goliath, only this time David won!
Lisa's Brain: I know, I heard it too. Here's some music.
[Piano music plays quietly. Lisa smiles contentedly.]
[Answering the phone]
Bart: Joe's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em.
Elizabeth Hoover: Do
you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?
Social Worker: Stupid babies require the most attention.
Homer: Just because
I don't know doesn't mean I don't understand.
Kent Brockman: Just
miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill.
The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... The
Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever,
there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.
[Writing a food review]
Homer: The bread was... the bread was...
Santa's Little Helper: Ruff!
Homer: You've been pitching that one all night.
Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?
Homer: Oh, Lisa. You
and your stories. Bart is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back
to that building thingy... where our beds and TV is.
Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time
for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.
radio] Husband on murderous rampage! Send help! Over.
Chief Wiggum: Whew, thank God that's over. I was worried for a little bit.
Homer: I've gone
back in time to when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos!
[Homer pooh-poohs churchgoing.]
Marge: Don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.
Homer: There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...
Lisa: Aunt Selma,
this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer: Boy, I don't know. You'd have to be pretty desperate to make it with a robot!
[Marge whispers something in his ear]
Homer: I knew that.
Bart: Lis, everyone
in town is acting like me, so why does it suck?
Lisa: It's simple, Bart. You've defined yourself as a rebel. And in the absence of a repressive milieu, your societal niche has been co-opted.
Bart: I see.
Hollis Hurlbut: Now get out! You're banned from this historical
society! You and your children, and your children's children! ...For three
Homer: Dig him up!
Dig up that corpse! If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his
bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong! Dig up his grave! Pull out
Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?
[Homer and Bart are being taunted for riding in an electric
Gay Robots: One of us! One of us! One of us!
Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart,
the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him!
Marge: Now be good
for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
Lisa: What are we gonna have?
Homer: Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poison pizza.
Homer: Oh, no! I'm not making two stops!
Congratulations Ned, you are our new town crier. May your shrill, nasal voice
ring throughout our streets and brains.
Ned Flanders: Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har ye! I declare myself pinkled tink about Springfield's Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial Day!
Homer: You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders! Gimme that!
[Grabs the bell from him]
Homer: Hear ye! Hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!
Chief Wiggum: Good God, he is fabulous!
Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with that cromulent performance!
Homer: Please don't
eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Pepi: Tell me more!
I want to know ALL the constellations!
Homer: Well, that one's Jerry, the cowboy. And that big dipper-looking thing is Alan, the cowboy.
Marge: I'm worried
about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her
trying to dissect her own raincoat.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster.
Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
[Looks out window]
Bart: [creepily] Hello, mother dear.
Marge: That's it, we have to get them back to school.
Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa! Get in here.
[Lisa walks in]
Homer: In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
Homer: Well, I hope
you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.
Homer: You mean you
gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving!
Homer: There, there,
Bart. If something's hard, then it's not worth doing.
Bart: Man, I'm so
Milhouse: Wait until we're teenagers, then we'll be happy!
Marge: Kids can be
Bart: We can? Thanks, Mom!
Homer: If it doesn't
have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair.
candidates make me want to vomit in terror!
Homer: Why won't
those idiots let me into their crappy club for jerks?
I've had it with this school, Skinner! Low test scores, class after class of
ugly, ugly children...
Ned Flanders: A rude
Frenchman! Why I never.
Homer: Boy, everyone
is stupid except me.
Marge: My name is
Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.
Mayor Quimby: Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.
[Marge's plan to get "Itchy and Scratchy" off the air
Marge: I guess one person *can* make a difference... but most of the time they probably shouldn't.
Dozens of people are gunned down each day, but until now, none of them was
important. At 3:00 PM Friday, local aurocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot
following a tense confrontation at town hall. He was taken to a hospital where
he was pronounced dead. He was then taken to a better hospital where his
condition was upgraded to "alive".
[Lisa wins an essay contest]
Homer: Woo-hoo! Who woulda guessed reading and writing would pay off!
Homer: I don't care
if Ned Flanders IS the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk. End of story.
Homer: [to Bart] I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.
[Santa's Little Helper goes off running with George Bush,
leaving Homer all alone]
Homer: I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush.
Homer's Brain: There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it.
[Watching Homer selling his soul to the devil on a monitor]
Mr. Burns: Hmm... who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.
Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.
Mr. Burns: Smithers,
release the robotic Richard Simmons!
Marge: We don't
think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or
read books or anything.
Homer: Do you think I don't want to? It's those TV networks Marge. They won't let me. One quality show after another, each one more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once -- just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't, they won't let me live!
PBS Pledge Drive Host: It's easy to see why it's England's most
long-running series -- and we're showing all of them, all 7 episodes.
Lisa: Mom! Dad's on
Marge: Mm? They don't show police chases, do they?
Selma: We own you
like Siegfried owns Roy.
Carl: Throw away
your self-pity and come get drunk with us.
[Homer enters the room]
Selma: Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?
Homer: Marge, you're
as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Homer: Did you hear
that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all!
[Homer is a limo driver]
Homer: Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks! You know that movie, Young Frankenstein? Scared the hell out of me!
Mel Brooks: Umm, thanks.
Homer: English? Who
needs that? I'm never going to England.
[Homer can't stop the monorail]
Marge: I've brought somebody to help you.
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: It's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist.
Marge: It's NOT Batman.
[The school has come into money and everyone's suggesting how
to spend it.]
Lunchlady Doris: The kitchen staff is complaining of rats in the kitchen. I'd like to hire a new staff.
[Bees have escaped from a bee farm]
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Awfully quiet around here.
Beekeeper 2: Yes... a little TOO quiet, if you know what I mean.
Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Afraid I don't.
Beekeeper 2: You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise suggests no bees.
Beekeeper 1: Hmm... oh look, there goes one.
Beekeeper 2: To the bee mobile!
Beekeeper 1: You mean your Chevy?
Beekeeper 2: ...Yes.
Homer: People will
think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think!
Homer: I wanna shake
off the dust of this one-horse town. I wanna explore the world! I wanna watch TV
in a different time zone! I wanna visit strange, exotic malls! I'm sick of
eating hoagies! I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero! I want to LIVE,
Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?!
Krusty The Clown:
Ahh, there's nothing better than a cigarette... unless it's a cigarette lit with
a hundred-dollar bill!
Homer: I can't live
the button-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying
highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my
cocky stride and musty odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called
"City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about
"What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"
[Moe is making a fortune from Homer's drink recipe.]
Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!
[walks out, slams door, then sticks head back in]
Homer: Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, duh.
Moe: You know what I
blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
[Marge is working at a real estate firm.]
Lionel Hutz: I've been getting a lot of calls about you, Marge. People just love your no-pressure approach.
Marge Simpson: Well, you know what we say: the right house for the right person!
Lionel Hutz: I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The right house is the house that's for sale. And the right person is anyone.
Mr. Burns: So,
Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect?
Mr. Burns: You know, light and fancy free! Mothers, lock up your daughters! Smithers is on the town!
Smithers: Oh! Of course.
Kent Brockman: 'Twas
the night before Christmas, and in this house a creature *was* stirring. But the
only thing he was stirring was: up trouble.
Homer: Ah, Andy Capp,
you wife-beating drunk.
Homer: Son, when you
participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk
[Nelson's friends catch him kissing Lisa.]
Kearney: Aw man! You just kissed a girl!
Jimbo Jones: That is so gay!
There's no justice like angry-mob justice.
Marge: Aren't you
going to perform the last rites?
Rev. Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to perform a voodoo dance.
Lenny: We made it!
And it's all thanks to teamwork.
Carl: Yeah, *my* teamwork.
Chief Wiggum: I hope
this has taught you kids a leason: kids never learn.
[After seeing the movie "Naked Lunch"]
Nelson Muntz: I can think of two things wrong with that title!
[Lisa sees a sign for a "Yahoo Serious Festival"]
Lisa: I know those words, but that sign doesn't make sense.
[Krusty faces imprisonment after being revealed as a tax
Krusty The Clown: I can't go to jail! I got a swanky lifestyle. I'm used to the best.
IRS Agent: Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail. We're just going to garnish your salary.
Krusty The Clown: You're going to *garnish* my *celery*?
IRS Agent: Please, Krusty, no jokes!
Krusty The Clown: Who's joking? Oh, I don't understand what you're saying, it all sounds so crazy to me!
Homer: Marge? Since
I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case!
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room!
Lisa: Dad, I still
don't understand how you could just give my room away?
Homer: Honey, what's your favorite movie?
Lisa: Well, until you taped over it, "The Little Mermaid".
Homer: That's right! "The Odd Couple"! Meet your new, mismatched roommate- Bart!
Bart: I'm going to make your life a living hell.
[Homer hums "Odd Couple" theme, shoves Lisa into the room and runs away]
Lisa: Thank you, Mr.
Bill Clinton: No, thank you, Lisa. For teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true.
Marge: That's a pretty lousy lesson.
Bill Clinton: Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president.
Mayor Quimby: Oh,
dear God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?
[Homer uncovers a scheme to supply low-grade milk to the
Homer: They're milking rats! Rats!
Mayor Quimby: [to Fat Tony] Rats? You promised me dog or higher!
[About to watch dinner theater]
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord, please let tonight's production be better than Othello starring Peter Marshall.
Mark Hamill: [singing
to the tune of "Luck Be A Lady"] Luke be a Jedi tonight! Just be a Jedi
tonight! Do it for for Yoda, while we serve our guests a soda!
Homer: I think I saw
him in Rent, or Stomp, or Clomp, or some piece of crap like that.
Homer: If he's so
smart, how come he's dead?
Newspaper Tour Guide:
And each paper contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.
Lisa: What percentage is that?
Newspaper Tour Guide: Zero. Zero is a percent, isn't it?
Marge: You love
Shake n' Bake! You used to put it in your coffee!
Lucy Lawless: I'll
take you home.
[Lucy flies, carrying Bart and Lisa.]
Lisa: Hey, Xena can't fly!
Lucy Lawless: I told you, I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless.
Homer: We can
outsmart those dolphins! Don't forget -- we invented computers, leg warmers,
bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding cup!
[After the angel hoax is exposed.]
Homer: What the hell are we going to do with 10,000 angel ashtrays?!
Bart: I could take up smoking.
Homer: You damn well better.
[Pulling broccoli from Homer's corpse.]
Dr. Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marge: But I thought broccoli was...
Dr. Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. It tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.
Homer's ghost: Marge
you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.
Bart: We want the
Sideshow Bob: You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you! I deride your truth-handling abilities.
Ned Flanders: Let's
thank the Lord for another beautiful day.
Superintendent Chalmers: "Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion!
Homer: Bad bees! Get
away from my sugar! Ow! OW!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!
Homer: I want to set
the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.
[Homer is calling home from a mental institution.]
Bart: Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.
Homer: Boy, when I get home, I'm gonna wrap my hands around your neck and...
[noticing the orderlies glaring at him, he relents]
Homer: ...smother you with kisses.
Bart: Homer, whatever they've got you on, cut the dose!
Kodos: We must move
forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling,
twirling towards freedom.
[Homer is undergoing major surgery. Grampa visits him in
Grampa Simpson: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never understood why that is; frankly, I can see an upside to it! Ha ha!
[Lisa has been caught looking out the window at Nelson during
Class: Lisa likes Nelson!
Milhouse: She does not!
Class: Milhouse likes Lisa!
Janey Powell: He does not!
Class: Janie likes Milhouse!
Professor Ludwig: NOBODY likes Milhouse!
Mother Simpson: [sings]
How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Look Marge,
you don't know what it's like -- I'm the one out there every day putting his ass
on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin'
system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't
HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of
goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge,
[Homer is teaching a university course on marriage]
Homer: I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.
Mrs. Krabappel: We need names!
Homer: Well, er, let's just call them, uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y." So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson!"
Homer: Bart, I'm not
asking you to give blood for free. That would be crazy! You may not realize it
now, but when you save a rich guy's life, he showers you with riches! Don't you
know the story of Hercules and the Lion?
Bart: Is it a Bible story?
Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the villagers tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough, so they got Hercules and he used his mighty strength, and bingo! Anyway, the moral is, is that the lion was so happy, that he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches!
Bart: How did a lion get riches?
Homer: It was the olden days!
Mr. Burns: If the
house catches fire, call this number.
Actor Marge: Uh-huh. The fire department.
Mr. Burns: Yes. They're new. But they're good.
Principal Skinner: I
have caught word that a child is using his imagination and I've come to put a
stop to it.
[Students draw pictures in Sunday School.]
Sunday School Teacher: Ralph, Jesus didn't have wheels.
Ned Flanders: Homer,
I think you hit something.
Homer: I hope it was Flanders!
Lionel Hutz: Well, I
didn't win. Here's your pizza.
Marge: But we did win!
Lionel Hutz: That's okay. The box is empty.
[Showing Simpsons "outtakes."]
Troy McClure: If that's what they cut out, what they leave in must be pure gold!
Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood with two teeth
marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene.
[The cape says "DRACULA."]
Kent Brockman: Police are baffled.
The movie is just me standing in front of a brick wall for 90 minutes.
Jay Sherman: How do you sleep at night?
Ranier Wolfcastle: On a pile of money, with many beautiful ladies.
Jay Sherman: And you
must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil!
Homer: It was a Gummi Bear.
Mr. Burns: Get me
Smithers: He's unavailable.
Mr. Burns: Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent!
Neddy, I've had just about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso. I'll go get
some hot dogs.
Ned Flanders: No foot-longs!
Maude Flanders: I know, they make you uncomfortable.
[After getting school uniforms]
Bart: These uniforms suck!
Actor Marge: Bart, where did you pick up words like that?
Homer: [on the phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure sucked last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked!
Actor Marge: Homer!
Homer: Oh, I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are lookin' at me!
[Moe is describing a plan to Homer]
Moe: Okay Homer, this olive is you...
Homer: Mmm... me...
[Lisa, home with the mumps, watches a soap opera with Marge.]
Lisa: Gee, is it always this good?
Actor Marge: Mmmmm, I don't know. I just dip in and out. I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma, and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boathouse.
Lionel Hutz: Now
don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I... uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Actor Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly", and replace "dog" with "son".
Homer: You don't
like your job, you don't strike! You go in every day and do it really
half-assed. That's the American way.
Homer: Marge, can I
go out and play?
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