Walking With Michael
 

Walking With Michael-March/April/May 2000

My Dear Friends:

As you may have already heard, the verdict is in, and the jury has decided that the appropriate sentence is death-six death sentences to be precise.

The jury deliberated for nine days-a record for a capital case in my state-and I must admit that I had my hopes up. So I guess my reaction would be described as disappointed, but upon reflection, not truly suprised. This was an extremely difficult case to win, and my lawyers should be very much commended for the job that they did. I knew after final arguments that the decision could go either way, so I put it into the hands of God, praying that His Will be done. And as hard as it is to accept, I do believe that it is Gods will that I remain here on death row. Now i can already hear your protests, but let me share something from In Conversation With God:

"God asks us to lose our fear of pain and tribulation and unite ourselves to him, as he waits for us on the cross. And we will realize that joy is inseparable from the cross. Not only that, but we will also understand that we can never be happy if we are not united to Christ on the cross. and that we will never know how to love if we do not at the same time love sacrifice. Those tribulations that appear to our poor human reasoning as unjust and meaningless are necessary for our personal holiness and for the salvation of many souls. Within the mystery of co-redemption, our sufferings united to those of Christ acquire an incomparable value for the entire Church and the whole of mankind. If we humbly have recourse to God, he will make us see that everything, even events and circumstances apparently lease likely to do so, work together for the good of those who love him. Suffering, when seen in its true light, when it serves as a means of loving more, produces great peace and deep joy. That is why God often blesses us with the cross."

I have to believe this because it is the only way that I can make sense of my life and of my current circumstances. When I came to death row some thirteen years ago, I could never have imagined the true blessing that it would ultimately turn out to be. And while I ever would have chosen this path, in retrospect, I wouldn't change places with anyone. I know that this is hard to believe-how could anyone find death row to be a blessing? But when I look back over the past decade that I've been here and I see the spiritual transformation and growth that I have undergone, I kow, without a shadow of a doubt, the love and abundant graces that God has bestowed upon me. And because of this, I can say that even though I do not understand why God chose for me to remain here on death row, I know with a strong faith that there is a reason and a purpose for this which will, in the end, glorify God. Life may sometimes seem senseless, and people may at times seem thoughtless or even vindictive, but God's will for us is good. And God will prevail. So I accept this situation-even though I don't fully understand-and I patiently and humbly await the day that I do understand and see how all of this fits into God's plan for me, and for humanity in general.

Still, it doesn't seem fair does it? I know that feeling well, and when my arrogance I question the judgment of God, I read the following from The Imitation of Christ: "What have you to complain of, vain person? Oh wretched sinner that you are, what answer can you justly make to those who rebuke you, since you have so often offended God and so often deserved the punishment of hell?" I am luckier than most, for my sins are very clear to me, they are horrible in nature, and they cannot be justified as anything except what they plainly are-especially egregious sins before God. My sins are ever before me and I cannot pretend to be deserving of any mercy from God. So when life does not seem fair, all I have to do is to look hard at who I am and what I have done, and suddenly I see that I deserve far less than I do have. God has been very merciful to me-of this I cannot deny-so I try to humbly accept the circumstances of my life without complaint and even with thanksgiving. This is not always easy to do and I don't always succeed, but it is what I try to do.

I would like to share one final excerpt from In Conversation With God that helps me to put difficulties in there proper perspective:

"In the face of every setback, of every failure, of every incomprehesible event and blatant injustice, we should reflect on those consoling words of the Lord 'What I am doing you do not know now, but afterward you will understand.' (John 13:7) Then there will be no resentment or sorrow. Everything tha thappens to us is foreseen by God, and is ordained to his glory and to the salvation of man. If what happens to us is good, God wants it for us. If it is bad, He does not want it for us, but allows it to happen because He respects man's freedom and the order of ature; in such unlikely circumstances it is nonetheless in god's power to obtain good and advantage of the soul-even bringing itout of evil itself. Whenever we find ourselves beset by difficulties let us say this simple and humble prayer: Lord, you know better. I abandon myself into your hands. You'll explain it to me later on."

I don't know why all of this happened. I don't know why I was afflicted with a mental illness that drove me to commit such horrible crimes. And I don't know why God didn't help my jury to understand that and grant me life sentences. But I have to trust that God knows what He is doing, and that He will explain it all to me in His own good time. I'm not saying that it is easy to do, nor am I saying that I don't have times of doubt, but I am saying that I trust God to deliver me in His own manner-by turning this tribulation into a blessin-as he has done for me so many times before in my past. I may not be able to see the good in this now, but I have no doubt that with time the blessing will become abundantly clear.

I ask you, my dear friends, not to be too disappointed with this verdict. I know that it is not what you prayed for, and it is hard to see how the death penalty could possibly be something good. As Paul said, "We know that all things work for good for those who love God." (Romans 8:28). He doesn't say that all things will be easy, and indeed Paul suffered greatly and he himself was executed by the authorities. But he did trust in the ultimate goodness of God. And that is what we must do, even in difficult circumstances such as these.

I want to thank you all for your prayers, and the wonderful caring support that you have shown me. I regret that I have not had the time to repond to every letter and card individually, but be assured that they were all greatly appreciated. I am lucky to have such good friends.