Walking With Michael
Walking With Michael-February 2000
Hello my friends,
By the time you receive this I will have jury selection completed and may have
begun the actual evidentiary phase of my new penalty hearing-as of today, I do
not have a firm date that the testimony will actually begin.
I am doing very well. I am in a much better place spiritually and emotionally
than I was when we picked the original jury last spring. My anxiety is under
control (without the use of medication!) and I am trying very hard to take
things just one day at a time. On the days that I have to go to court, I conduct
my private mass at 5am, and during my prayer in lieu of Holy Communion. I pray
for God to increase my faith and trust in Him and His Divine Providence, and to
keep me free from anxiety. It is at times difficult, and I try not to think of
how I will handle the horrible testimony of my past deeds when it is all renewed
and layed out in its every excrutiating detail-it is so hard to believe that I
did such things and I don't know how I will be able to relive those terrible
events. There are a number of meditations from In Conversations With God that I
tend to revisit because they help me and bring me comfort. I would like to share
some excerpts from one entitled "Our Divine Sonship.":
"The Son came sent by the Father, who chose us in him beforethe foundation of
the world and destined us to be adopted sons, for it pleased him to restore all
things in himself (cf. Eph 1:4-5, 10). The first fruit of this restoration
accomplished by Christ was our divine sonship. Not only did he restore man's
fallen nature, but he also gave us a new life, a supernatural life. It is the
greatest gift we have ever received....
"The awareness of our divine sonship defines and channels our way of acting and
thus our prayer and behavior in every circumstance. It is a way of being and a
way of living....
"The knowledge that we are children of God teaches us how to have peace of mind
in the face of all kinds of events, no matter how painful they may seem. Our
life becomes the active abandonment of children who trust completely in the
goodness of a Father who moreover has control over all the powers of creation.
The certainty that God wants what is best for us leads us to a joyful
abandonment full of peace even in the most difficult moments of our lives. That
is why St.Thomas More was able to write to his daughter from prison: "keep then
your spirits high, my daughter, and don't worry about me no matter what happens
in this world. Nothing can happen to me that God doesn't want. And all that he
wants, no matter how bad it may appear to us, is really for the best."
"When we run into a problem or some unpleasantness, the attitude of a child of
God is to ask for more help from his Father in heaven, and to renew his
determination to live a holy life in all circumstances, even in those that seem
to be less favorable....
"Divine sonship is also the firm foundation of peace and joy. Being a child of
God, the Christian finds the protection that he needs, fatherly affection as
well as confidence in the face of an always uncertain future.
"No matter what our situation, our awareness of being children of God is the
foundation of great peace, even in the midst of privation and difficulty. God
always gives us the means to make progress and if we go to him with childlike
trust, in many cases he will give us these means in the most unexpected of ways.
"We, on our part, shold always bear in mind that, in every moment, the essential
thing in our life is the search for holiness through these very circumstances."
In Conversation With God dealt with similar themes was "St.Stephen-The First
Martyr.":
"There are times when we have to display great courage and patience, without
ever returning evil for evil. What is more, our interior life has need of
contradictions and obstacles in order to grow strong and consitant. With the
helpof Our Lord, the soul comes out of these trials purified and more humble."
This is so true, yet so hard to do in the midst of those trials and
tribulations. I am one of the lucky ones, for I have found my way through many
difficulties, and by the grace of God, I have benefitted and grown because of
those difficulties. Not everyone is so lucky-as the meditation continutes:
"The history of the church shows that, at times, tribulation makes someone grow
cowardly and cold in his relationship with God; at other times, on the contrary,
it ripens sanctity in souls which take up the cross of everyday and follow
Christ, becoming identified with him. We always see this double possibility: the
same difficulty-illness, misunderstandings, etc.-has different effects according
to the dispositions of the soul. If we want to be saints it is obvious that our
disposition has to be that of always following Our Lord closely in spite of all
obstacles." I see this eery day, often with great sadness towards those souls
who have grown coldand have withdrawn from God-there are many such souls like
that here in prison, especially in segregation units such as this super-max. I
often pray, during the intecessory prayers of my daily private mass, that God,
in His infinate mercy, reach out and touch these could souls and warm them with
His Divine Love. I know this is possible, for that is exactly what God did for
me when my soul was cold and cowardly. I wish that I were better able to express
this joy to others around me, but my example seems to bear little fruit. I have
always been perceived as the oddball on death row, the crazy nut who is often
mocked, ridiculed and laughed at-not to be taken seriously, but treated as a
fairly harmless fool. As I get older and my hair gets more pronouncely grey, I
will become that old harmless fool. I fear that I have let God down in this
regard.
I want to share one final excerpt from In Conversation With God with you that I
find particulary moving and inspirational:
"Jesus is the teacher of all, our Teacher. He knows what is in each person. He
is not deceived by our miseries and weaknesses. He knows very well what an abyss
of evil there can be in every heart. But he also knows, better than we do, the
possibilities of generosity, of sacrifice, of greatness which also exists in
every heart, and he can arouse them with his word. The teaching of Christ
affects the whole man in the core of his being."
But we have to be open to and listen to his teachings. We have to be properly
disposed to recieve and put to good use the grace that He so freely and
generously offers us. We have to let go of ourselves and allow Him to touch our
hearts in the most intimate of ways, for only then can He transform us. But
letting go is hard. Trust is hard, especially in the midst of trials and
tribulations. This is expecially true in prison where trust is hard to come by
and often considered a weakness. But we have to trust in God if we are to let go
of our lives and allow him to save us from ourselves. I know first hand that I
screwed up my life and I will continue to screw it up if I try to do it on my
own. And I know that God loves me and, if I let Him, will do what is best for
me. I even know first hand how He uses pain, suffering, disappointments-all
manners of trial and tribulation-to our ultimate benefit. (Who would have
thought that coming to death row would have been a good thing for me? But
without a doubt it was). Yet knowing all of this it is still difficult for me to
totally trust in God's Divine Providence. I have to pray every day dor more
grace to simply trust him in all things. I know that I should trust Him
unconditionally. I want to trust Him unconditionally, yet it is still at times,
very difficult, and something that I feel I must pray for everyday. So I know
how hard it is, and how fortunate I am to have the grace that I do have. I pray
that God will touch those around me with the same grace and that their souls
will be disposed to receive this grace so that they might find the joy that I
have found.
As you probably can tell, I really have enjoyed the series In Conversation With
God. The second volume in this series covers Lent and Eastertide and has 96
daily meditations starting on Ash Wednesday and ending on Pentecost Sunday. If
you wish to join me you can order your copy from the Leaflet Missal company by
calling toll free 1-800-328-9582 or on the internet at www.leafletmissal.org.
With shipping it comes to about $23.50 and I promise you it will be the best
$23.50 you ever spent! Remember, Ash Wednesday is March 8th this year, so if you
want to join me in these daily meditations you need to order now.
Well, I have to go now. I hope that all is well with you all. May God be with
you.
MICHAEL B. ROSS 127404
Death Row - Northern CI
PO Box 665
Somers, CT
06071-0665 USA
