Man Suffers
From
Timbuktu - Harold B. Shumaker III, CEO of Shumaker, Inc. - the largest
maker of wooden shoes in the world due to their high number of elfin employees -
has just discovered he is afraid...of long words.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia
(the fear of long words)
“It’s only words that are over six letters long, generally.” Shumaker stuttered
to the Conglomerate thought we were not allowed to mention the title of the
newspaper , it being 12 letters long, for fear that he would run away screaming.
Shumaker, who can no longer pronounce his last name without a tremor in his
voice did not always suffer from this condition. Rather, one day last month, the
disease came upon him abruptly.
Shumaker’s wife recounted, “He was giving a speech for the Ecological Legion of
Very Enthusiastic Shoemakers (E.L.V.E.S), he used to be a wonderful public
speaker, you know, very eloquent with an extensive vocabulary - when someone
threw a large smoked ham at his head which knocked him unconscious.” From this
point on Shumaker refused to speak in long sentences, does not like descriptive
adjectives, or the word adjective itself, and cowers into the corner whenever he
hears a long word. Mrs. Shumaker added, “He even threw his beloved Thesaurus
away!.”
It should also be noted that Mrs.. Shumaker and this reporter had to adjourn to
another room for the interview when Mr. Shumaker began whimpering and rocking
back and forth in the fetal position after the word “enthusiastic” was said.
Shumaker’s physician, Eyam A. Qwak, MD, assures that this condition should
disappear in time but he is not clear on what the extent of the healing period
will be. “When someone is hit by flying pork it tends to cause more damage than
the traditional rubber chicken usually does - this has been my experience.”
Dr. Frank Skitso, Shumaker’s personal psychiatrist, explains the delicate nature
of the disease. “Part of the problem is that he’s constantly being asked what he
has been diagnosed with. Hippopotomonstrosesquip -pedaliophobia is the
scientific term for his condition yet, due to the nature of the disease, because
the word is thirty-six letters long, he is afraid to pronounce it.” This has
resulted in Shumaker contracting a fear of phobias or Phobophobia since most
phobias themselves are over six letter long. Shumaker is unable to pronounce any
of his compounding conditions.
“I tried hypnosis with him which seemed to help a little, but that word is eight
letters long so we must be careful. We sit and slowly go through words in the
dictionary, working our way up size-wise. Right now we are at five-letter words
with two syllables in them so there is some definite progress.” Skitso said.
When asked how it would be possible to judge when Shumaker is cured Skitso
responded, “I'm not sure but, once he is able to pronounce his last name without
falling to the ground like a limp rag and twitching as a line of drool makes
it’s way down his chin I think he’ll be well on his way to recovery.”
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