"I sort of felt sorry for the damn flies. They never hurt anybody. Even though they were supposed to carry diseases I never heard of anybody saying they caught something form a fly. My cousin gave two guys the clap and nobody ever whacked her with a paper."

"The difference between Jewish and gentile girls is that a gentile girl won't 'touch it once', whereas a Jewish girl will kiss you and let you touch it--your own that is."

"Liberals will buy anything a bigot writes. In fact, they really SUPPORT hate mongers. George Linciln Rockwell, the leader of the American Nazi Party is probably a very knowledgeable businessman with no political convictions what so ever. He gets three bucks a head and works the mass rallies consisting of nothing but angry Jews, shaking their fists and wondering why there are so many Jews there. And Rockwell probably has only two real followers--and they're deaf. They think the swastika is merely an Aztec symbol."

"I dedicate this book to all the followers of Christ's teachings--particularly a true Christian--Jimmy Hoffa--for he hired ex-convicts as, I assume, Christ would have."

"(My friend) Carmelo's father had a barbershop with one chair and a poster in the window showing four styles of haircuts, and guaranteeing you surefire results in securing employment if you follow the tips on grooming: "The First Things an Employer Looks at Are Hair, Nails, and Shoes." An atomic-energy department head who looks at these qualifications in a job applicant would probably be a faggot."

"(My friend) Carmelo's mother was the manicurist and town whore. The symbols of my childhood are gone--what a shame!--the country doctor, the town whore, village idiot, the drunken family from the wrong side of the tracks have been replaced with the communist, the junkie, the faggot, and the beatnik."

At this point in time Bruce ran away and got a job as a farm hand for the Denglers....
"Once a week a big LaSalle would drive all the way out from the city to get farm-fresh eggs. The chauffer was a little wizened old Englishman and the owner was a woman who looked like Mary Astor. She was a very grand-type lady, about 35. She said the farm was quaint and remarked how fortunate I was that not cursed with the pressures of the city. She began to bring me things--sweaters, shoes, even a tennis racket. I fed her charitable id: "Oh gosh a real sweater, I always wanted one with no patches!".... One day she forgot all about the eggs and insisted on buying me a jacket....I told her I couldn't leave the stand. She told the chauffer to get out and take over and that she would drive.  On the way back she pulled into a shaded area and stopped. We talked for a long time....She intimated that she would like to adopt me. She asked if I had ever been naughty with any girls. ....I had often thought about being "naughty" with girls but I never seemed to arrange to be in the right place at the right time....She told me to look in the glove compartment for a surprise. Inside I found a sheath knife and a flashlight. There was also a packet of pictures and she asked me if I wanted her to show them to me. ...The nudity and the absurdity of the contortions amused me and I began to laugh....  She forgave me, then delivered a lecture on how some women can give you a terrible disease. She asked me if I knew what the symptoms of these diseases were. I confessed my ignorance and she grew alarmed. "Why you could have one of those diseases right this minute and not even know it!!" And with a very clinical attitude she unbuttoned my pants. A few years later in boot camp, when we got our first lecture on venereal disease, I was disappointed. It lacked the same personal touch."

In 1942 Bruce volunteered for the Navy. After the war Lenny wanted out, so he had a tailor make him a WAVES uniform so he could get a Section 8 and go home. Here is Lenny's account.
Four naval psychiatrists worked me over at Newport Naval Hospital
1ST officer: "Lenny have you ever actively engaged in any homosexual practice?"
Lenny: No sir. An active homosexual is the one who does the doing, and the passive is the one who just lies back. If you were a kid and you were hitchhiking and some faggot came on with you and you let him do whatever his do was, he was an active homosexual, and you are a passive homosexual. You'll never see this in an AAA manual, but there it is..
2ND officer: Do you enjoy the company of women?"
Lenny: "Yes sir."
3RD officer: "Do you enjoy intercourse with women?"
Lenny: "Yes sir."
4TH officer: "Do you enjoy wearing women's clothing?"
Lenny:" Sometimes."
All four: When is that?"
Lenny: "When they fit."
They finally gave up and drew up an undesirable discharge.

"I never met a dyke I didn't like."
"There's nothing sadder than an old hipster."

I don't know about you but I enjoy the way our tax money is being spent to arrest, indict, convict, imprison, parole, and re-imprison these people (marijuana smokers). I'd just piss away on beer any way."

Reporter: "What happened to your marriage?"
Lenny: "What happened to my marriage? It was broken up by my mother-in-law."
Reporter: "Mother-in-law ha ha ha. What happened?"
Lenny: "My wife came home from work early and she found us in bed together."
Reporter: In bed--that's perverse!"
Lenny: "Why? It was her mother not mine."

"Would you come to my hotel? And every clean comedian has given hotel such a dirty connotation that I wouldn't ask my grandmother to a hotel....Christ, where can you live that is clean? You can't say hotel to a chick, so you have to think, what won't offend? What is a clean word to society? TRAILOR. That's it trailor. "Will you come to my trailor?" "All right, there's nothing dirty about trailors. Trailors are hunting and fishing and cigarettes. Yes I'll coem to your trailor. Where is it?" "In my hotel room." "Why can't you say I want to be with you, hug you and kiss you." No its Come up while I change my shirt or Let's have a cup of coffee....In fifty years coffee will be another dirty word...

"You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth..."

"Marijuana will be legal someday, because the many law students who now smoke pot will one day be Congressmen and they will legalize it to protect themselves.  I don't smoke pot, and I'm glad because then I can champion it without any special pleading. The reason I don't smoke pot is because it facilitates ideas and heightens sensations--and I got enough shit flying through my head without smoking pot."

"They beat the crap outta me but I proved I was a man. They kept beating me but I didn't give them no names."
"What names schmuck, you were arrested for exposing yourself."

"I've figured out a way you'll score every time"
"Look I'd like very much to go out with you but there can be no sex between us. You see I don't do it. I'm celebate. But we will go out and have a good time, I just thought I'd tell you up front because the last dates I was on they got mad and said I had ruined it for them."
And sure enough on the ride there:
"Why don't you do it with anybody?"
"I don't wanna talk about it."
"Oh come on you can tell *ME*."
"OK it's the way I'm built, you see I'm abnormally large."
"Really."
"yes its a disgrace."
"You mean you never do it?"
"Not since 19--"
"Gee what happened?"
"She's in the hospital."
"Don't you ever go visit?"
"No her brother would kill me. I can't even wear shorts in public."
"Can I see it?"
"No"
"Why not?"
"It's locked up."
"Locked up?"
"yeah locked up. My dad has one key the mayor has the other." 

Lenny In Court Again
DA: "Could Lenny Bruce be a psychological drug addict?"
Lenny: "Are you thinking about it now Lenny?" "Yeah I'm thinking about jerking off and taking dope."

"The word's suppression gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness."