The News Monster
Brought To You By TheNSAisWATCHIN
5-20-04


Beetlehouse, Beetlehouse, Beetlehouse
Say It Three Times Fast

Gummy God Refuses To Eat His Words

An Accidental Terabyte Of G-Mail

Antonio Banderas Weeps At Shrek 2

Virtual Devils Curse Internet Church

Woman Awakens To Find Police Sniper
In House Aiming At Guy Across Street

Welcome To The Outback
Port Charlotte Employees Say G'Day

Texas Official Declares Unitarians
Are NOT A Tax Exempt Religion

Tony Blair Gets Hit With Blue Stuff

Students Charged For Taping Teacher

Hollywood "Rips Off", or Rather, Remakes
An Old Film Unnecessarily
This Time The Graduate

Wife Swapping Reality TV
Can Reality TV Get Any Lower?  YES
Witness How Here


France Surrenders Forever...

Guys Asks Another Guy On Flight
If He Wants To "Step Outside" To Fight

Brando To Play...Brando

$3.5 Million Dollar Cello Found
-In Dumpster

Condom Machines In School?

Girls Gone Wild?
Breast Baring Was Popular In The 1600's

Man Wins 1.3 Million With Last 75 Cents

Greenspan's Stay At Fed Extended

Porn Gets Switched With Regular
High School Announcements

How To Save Star Wars III?
Fire George Lucas

A New Suspect In The Anthrax Probe

Hundreds Left Stranded After Fuel
Gauge Failures


"Black Widow" Beats Prostitution Charge

Meet The Black Seperatist Who
Tried To Cash A Fake $25 Millon Check

Tennessee School Has Raffle Over
Where Cows Will...Go

In Other Cow Poo News:
It Powers A Farm


Man Arrested After Motel Six
Room Is Coated In Vaseline

Guy Sets Up Website To Catch
"Bitch" Who Hit His Truck

Seen Here Previously, A Similar Story
Angry Man's Website Nabs Fugitive

The Olympic Committee Sex Change Rule
In Other Olympics News:
Jones: "I Have Always Been Drug Free"

Kidnapped Chinese Boy Returns Home

Machete Bar Brawl

Strangest Headline of The Week:
Rat Urine Leads To Swollen Breasts

Co-Ed Claims Toes Were Licked
Prior To Sexual Assault

"Dominatrix?  There's No Fly In My Soup"

21st Century Slavery Exposed
By Photographer

Napkin Rationing

The Ex-Girlfriend Of The
"Sausage King" Says He Wanted To
Kill And "Grind Up" Meat Inspectors

Former Heavyweight Champ
Riddick Bowe Released From Prison

Indecent Proposal Wife Is "A Liar"


John Kerry's Daughter In France
Those Democrats Have Such A
Cannes-Do Attitude

But The Flip Side:

Of Course The Bush Daughters
Had An Awful Start Too...

Top 10 Places For Fun In The US?

See VW's Car Ice Sculpture

Gambling Ship Catches Fire
What Are The Odds...


Colin Powell Interview Disaster?

Cracking Down On Skull Smugglers

Ovitz Blasts Eisner and Disney


Really Fast Police Cars

Dying Man Confesses To Unsolved Murder

Club VIP's To Get Microchip Implants

Woman In India Had Worms In
Her Eyes - That's Right - WORMS
As In More Than One

Sylvester Stallone Sues For Right
To Make ANOTHER Rocky Film
And Broadway Musical of Same

Owl Vomit, Like Bat Guano, Is Valuable

Bitney's Bisexual Passion Revealed
Also - She Seems To Pick Ugly Guys...


Boston Globe Publishes Fake Rape Pics

Fugitive Fakes Own Death
But Caught 12 Years Later

Cover Up Your Naughty Gnomes

Student Uses Camera Phone
To Send Pic Of Test To Friend

Who Cares About Kiefer's Personal Life?


If Only Andy COULD Come Back

Girls Telling The Truth...?

Wi-Fi Calls Coming To Cell Phones

DUI - With A Horse-Drawn Carriage

Finally Burying Alaska's Winter Dead


Gates Of Heaven-ish Nightmare

What Is Gates Of Heaven?


More Good News From Iraq - Human Sacrifice

To Find The Video Click Here
DJ's Fired Over Mockery
Doonesbury "Head On A Platter"
Teachers Suspended After Showing Video
Four Suspects Being Held...
Email Proof Berg Held By US Briefly In Iraq
Berg's Father Defends Anti-War Stance
A More Popular Download Than Paris Hilton

Questioning The Videos Authenticity
Buzz Flash - Angry Finger - Lies Upon Lies
Bloggers on Al-Jazeera


The Photos: Iraq And A Hard Place

Rumsfeld Approved "Secret" Abuse?
Iraqi Papers Urge Rumsfeld To Resign
On The UK Side: Editor Fired Over Fake Pics
Lighter Side: A Lynndie England Fansite
ITS A COVER-UP Says Officer
UK Soldier Arrested Over Fake Photos
Bush Was Told Geneva Convention Obsolete
What Is The Geneva Convention?
Tehran Times - Bush, Rumsfeld Approved
Lynndie England Won't Shut Up About It
England's Lawyer Disciplined In The Past
NBC Staff Says They Were Abused Too
Sivits Pleads Guilty


And More Photos Come...

Other Iraq News:
Suicide Bomber Kills Head Of
Iraqi Governing Council


Daniel Pearl Refused To Be Sedated

Who Is Daniel Pearl?
Daniel Pearl Video

Tarantino To Make Bond Film?
In Other Quentin News:
Psychic Told Carradine To Stalk Tarantino

...Beaten Up, Abducted By Monks

California Woman Accepted Ride From
Serial Killer In 1992...

Police Confiscate 1000's of Bootleg
DVDs and CDs At Arts Festival

And In Coaches Gone Bad News:
Nude Cheerleaders Get Their Coaches In Trouble
Coach Charged With Grand Theft
Coach Charged Over Nude Photos

You Can't Sue Fast Food Eateries
For Obesity In Colorado

Police Foil "Great Train Robbery" Type Caper

Off Duty Trooper Charged With Assault

Aol Blocks A Billion Viruses A Year
Amount Of Spam AOL Itself Sends Still Unknown
In Other Email News:
Netscape's Email Shut Down Over Bad Disks

Anal Pap Smears Not Useful For Gay Men

Crackdown On Sale of VCD Which Shows
Actual Rape Of Hong Kong Actress

City Revamps Demolition Policies
After Accidental Death

Colorado Bridge Collapse Baffles Experts

County Supervisor Left Scene of Accident

Handcuffed Teen Escapes In Taxi

Allegedly Abducted Son Wants To See Mom

Drunk Carny Arrested After Accident

Guy Robs Milk Bar In Monkey Mask
With Steak Knife

Recent Minnesota Prostitution Arrests

AND FOR THE REALLY BORED ONLINE:
Subservient Chicken

It's Like I've Been Saying...Lemurs Aren't Dumb

Sniper Will Shoot Dogs Of Those
Who Are Unclean

Two Words You Thought Would Never
Go Together - Spock And Nudes

Man Sentenced In Wife's Suicide


More Photos From Iraq Emerge...

Giving New Meaning To
"Head" Of The Class

Saddam's Lawyer Is No Mark Geragos

Man Killed By Horny Horse

Detroit Man Named Mayor of Najaf, Iraq
Declares Iraq Safer

Bin-Laden's Family MIGHT Be Building
The Worlds Largest Building

The Irony Is Disturbingly Delicious

Buy ALL Your Blank Tapes At The $1 Store!

Woman Who Killed Husband, Left Him
In Bedroom Over A Year Gets 50 Years


A Sex Beast Named Victor...

Sasser Worm Creator Busted

Two Irish Guys Assault Flight Attendant

I'll Take 10,000 Candy Bars, Please

Doctor Charged With Sex Crimes

Olsen Twins Movie Raises...
Eyebrows and More

The Real Rick's Cafe

In Class, Girl Doesn't Show Boobs During
Truth Or Dare, Gets Beaten
Teacher Stays At His Desk

The Banana Peel As A Weapon

Four Shot In America's
Newest School Shooting Incident

He Ate The Penis...


My Head Really Hurts, Doc...

Givin' Out AIDS Like It Was Candy

Some Dutch Guys Garden Might
Contain The Skeletons Of The Three Musketeers

Police Surgeon Was
'A Paedophile Dr Jekyll, Dr Hyde'

Woman Convicted For Grave Robbing
Why Did She Do It?  Cult Rituals

Police Follow Robbers Trail Of Blood
Right To Him

Kid Screaming Over Shoes
At His Dad Gets Amber Alert Issued

$6000 Fine For Downloading Music
Anti-RIAA? Go To Eff.Org Today

Pay What You Want Airfare

More Porn Stars With AIDS


Livin' It Up While She's Goin' Down


Baby Dies In Car
While Stripper Mommie Dozes
After Cocaine, Xanax, Pot,
And "Some Beers"

Sex Offender Busted After His
Flier Advertised "Overnight" Babysitting

Woman Flees Scene of Hit And Run
Dies In Second Crash

Man Tried To Electrocute Wife
In The Bathtub

Texan Does Abortion The Hard Way

Director To Use Auction Winners
As Actors

We Mormons Are A Lot Like
Buffy The Vampire Slayer...Says Mormon

Ex-Enron Exec Ordered To Stay Sober

School Bus Brake Lines Cut By Vandals

KORN Guy To Direct Porn

The Fatal Belly Flop

Convicted:
He Kept His Sex Slave
For 14 Years,
Made Her Do Nude Cartwheels

Huge Settlement For Employee
Whose Boss Walked Around
In A Towel

Barbie Doll Sex Show Broken Up

Ronald McDonald Goes To Jail

Mayor Is The Face of Sugardaddies


Lookback: Remember These Photos?


Penguins In July!? HAHA YES!
Take The Wayne Newton Virtual Tour

Monkey College

Man Files Complaint Against Elephant

Woman Tries To Get Unwanted House
Guests To Leave By Gassing Them

Families Heckle Giulianai At Hearing

Air Force Radios Jam
Garage Door Openers In Florida

California Bill Requires Spyware Notice

Dead Nudist Gets Mayoral Votes

Dog Fighting In Chicago

Hooters Girls To Cheer Up Troops

Man Dies Right On Target

The Incredible Shrinking Utah Brain


Porn Again Christian
Nine Songs At Cannes - Is It Porn?

Read More About This Movie

Rapper Makes How-To Vid For Groupies

Giant Rats To Sniff Out Mines

High School Doors Superglued Shut

Man Turned Young Wife's
Love Into "Gimp"

Twins Charged With Abusing Kids


Major League Baseball Crops Jose
Lima's Wife And Her Boobs Out Of Pic

See Altered Photo On Their Site

High School Student Drinks
Lab Chemical On Dare - Recovering...

Married In The Mall

How A Mobile Home Becomes
A Giant Beehive

Guy Trying To Siphon Gas From
A Camper Hits The Sewage
Line Instead


Saying NO To "The Donald" Trump
Probably Feels Really Good

Guy Eats $275 Worth Of Shrimp
In Grocery Store

$150,000 Worth of Creed Guitars Stolen

Porsche Drivers Cheat More

This Weeks Alligator Attack
Story From The Sunshine State

Georgia's Segregated Proms

Carjackers Abduct 82 Y/O Woman

The Black Market of Cigarettes Is Back

Brawl Involving 100's Of
Inmates In Arizona

And In The Britney Spears Corner:
Other "Stars" Get Critical
St. James: Britney Turns Teens To Sex
Morissey: She's The Devil

Cannibal Returns To Community

UC Davis Sends Out Acceptance
Emails To Applicants Who Were
Actually Rejected

Bank Made Bad Loans
To Polygamist Mormon Sect

When Food Bites Back

Bar Loses License Over Rowdy Patrons

Meet The UK's Worst Postman

"Sometimes I Am Like A Whore"
Actress Declares

McDonald Execs Are Cursed?
Newest CEO Has Colon Cancer


Turtle Crashes Into Windshield

Internet Groceries Expanding

Women Raping Men In Africa?
Previous Article On Female Rape

Guy Banned From Zoo
After Jaguar Bites Off His Finger


Gays Wed En Masse In Mass

The Same-Sex Argument Scalia Fears

Woman Killed Girls For Earrings

The Hotel With The $1000 Omelet

Toothing Is Coming

Woman Smuggles Grenade
Hidden In Vagina Into Prison

Third Suitcase of Human
Remains Found In Virginia

The Lapdancer And Airport Security

Dad Refuses To Bury Daughter
For 25 Years
He's Waiting For The Truth

Knife Thrower To Marry Woman
He Almost Killed In Stunt

Blaming It On The Goose

Parade Motorcycle Wheelie Goes Awry
Three Children Injured

Don Johnson Won't Pay For Groceries

"Lost" Missiles Litter Russian Highway


Busty 13 Year Old Girl Sent Home
From School Ceremony For Cleavage

Phil Spector Arrested Again
More On Phil Spector

Drugged Welfare Mom Ordered Not
To Have More Kids Is Already Prego


Like Shooting Fish In A Barrell

Drunken Bulldozer Joyride

Canadian Jailed For Cell Phone Pics
Of His 17 Year Old Girlfriend

Bride-To-Be  Slain By
Hubby-To-Be On Eve Of Wedding

Woman Undergoes Surgery To
Remove Excess Skin


She Killed Her 3 Kids On Mothers Day
She Also Wanted To Kill Her
Female Lover As Well As
Her Lovers Husband

Subway Nut Nabbed In
"Orgy of Violence"

Her Porn Career Is On The Roxx


Swatch Ad With Nasty, Odd Bunnies

One Cold Spouse

Manson To Play Christ?
Yes, But Not THAT Manson
But Yes, THAT Christ

Pollock Painting Sets Record

Bum Stomping Results In Deaths

In Utah, Women Don't Need
Their WHOLE Skull


Just In Time For Armageddon
A Different Kind Of Bikini

Terrorism Wiretaps Outnumber
Criminal Ones

Hospitalized Arrestee Flees

Ass Kicking Machine Invented

Chinese Man Wisely Divorces
The Wife Who Hired Hitman
To Kill The Family Dog

Former CNN Producer Arrested

Teens Hands Severed In
Machete Attack

Puppy Calls 911

100's Involved In Ohio Brawl

Woman At Political Rally
Flashes Ben Affleck

More Children Sold Into Slavery
This Time For The Circus

Hiccupping For 44 Years

Theft of 3.5 Million Dollar
Cello Caught On Tape

Beauty Is Indeed Skin Deep

Former Oregon Governor
Had Sex With 14 Year Old Girl

Missing Girl Was In Police
Custody All Along
Or At Least Her Bones Were

Ex-Wife Makes A Scene At
Ex-Hubby's New Marriage

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